This week I went to Prestwick in Scotland to do something I've always wanted to do, learn guitar.
I went with Clic Sargent's music workshop and spent the week writing songs with Lucy Spraggan and downing endless glasses of wines and glitter bombs, which taste like Christmas, with Simon Rix from the Kaiser Chiefs. It was a surreal week and the memories, friendships and three chords to AC/DC's Back in Black will stay with me forever. I was reminded of why I love music so much in the first place and why it's important. I had no expectations from this week, I literally only just started learning the guitar, can't sing, never written a song, what was I even doing here to be honest? 5 days later I've realised that my high school art teacher was wrong and I've got three graffiti canvases to prove it, I can wing it and pretend I know how to play Stand by Me on guitar and It's actually very easy to write a song getting inspiration from a yo-yo although my favourite achievement has to be actually learning how to use a yo-yo, 21 years of frustration and I can finally do it! One thing that surprised me was the social side of it, The Prestwick Pioneer probably hasn't made so much money in one week, it felt like being back at uni again and I felt like my old drunk uni self again, whether that's a good or bad thing I'm not sure yet. No one spoke about their cancer, we were just young people getting drunk and making music which is how it should be and something I definitely needed. Every person I met was amazing and I'll forever be their Yo-Yo. It's crazy how quick you can make attachments with people, I spent the journey to Prestwick convinced I was being stalked only to end up making a really close and special friend in Jen and deciding to get Yo Yo tattoos and booking to go to a load of gigs up and down the country. Music is a universal language which we can all understand it can help us through the worst times of our lives or take us back to those happy memories, we've all got an inner musician in us whether that's shredding to Black Sabbath's Paranoid or just shaking along with a maraca, we can all do something, it's just about discovering that talent and working harder every day and getting better. I've fell in love with music all over again. The music workshop inspired me so much I went for it and bought my own guitar as soon as I got home. and I'm still waiting for my neighbour to start complaining about my skills. I've never been one to be held back and when the doctor told me I can't go back to work or uni for a year and I need to focus on recovering I was scared that I'd watch everyone else was moving forward and I'd be held back and I'll be honest and say I struggle every day with the mental side effects of cancer and being a cancer patient but now I've been inspired and ready for the challenge of learning guitar, my fingers are still sore but I'm determined now more than ever to unleash my inner Angus Young and actually be good at it so thank you Clic Sargent for having me on your music workshop and thank you to the mentors and all the others that were there for motivating and inspiring me everyday.
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So last week I went sailing off the South West coast of Scotland, I lived on a boat for 4 days with no wifi and no signal, how does a social media slave survive with no wifi or signal for 4 whole days??!! Was I really going to live without knowing what that person I met in a nightclub toilet and never saw again was having for tea? Or the latest Lad bible not so funny video? How could I go 4 days without the Mail Online's quality updates on Lauren Goodger stepping over a puddle?
When I got back to the real world at Glasgow station and heard the multiple dings of the digital world catching up with me, I realised how poisonous and irritating social media and the internet can be and how we all could do with a social media detox. I generally spend a lot of time on social media without really being aware, whether it's looking through Instagram to avoid talking to a neighbour at the bus stop or sending friends relevant Buzzfeed quizzes to find out which member of One Direction is their soul mate, we are all slaves to social media. I'll admit I did do the obvious and post a non filter picture of a sunset on Instagram and post a snapchat of the boat I was staying on but it was as I was watching the sunrise over Largs that I decided to switch my notifications off and keep my phone away and I learned a lot more than how to sail or tac. I was disconnected from the real world surrounded by water, dolphins and pretty views, I had time to talk to my crew mates about actual real things and genuine interests and actually listening rather than stopping them mid sentence because this 'Buzzfeed article is so us'. I felt de stressed and free exploring the Isle of Bute, playing rounders and playing board games and finally learned how to play Uno. Having an actual conversation at the dinner table without being interrupted by being tagged in the latest 'funny goat' video was refreshing. the most precious and meaningful moments aren't for social media, you don't need to make friends jealous with where you are, no one actually gets jealous and all that time you spent choosing the right filter to make you look thinner and more tanned could have been spent enjoying the moment with your friends and does anyone actually get jealous of the latest original look at this food I'm eating at this dead nice restaurant or are we all just over it and using social media to pass the time? We spend too much of our time trying to look better in front of people who couldn't care less and pretend we have this adventurous, out going life style because that's what our Insatgram pictures suggest. I'm back home and back online but am much more aware of my social media use and find myself just answering notifications or looking online when I'm genuinely not doing anything else, it's alarming it can take 4 days with no access to the online world to realise this but a world without being a social media slave is a much more refreshing world. Hiiii January me! It's been a week since I left for London to spend nearly a week with some of the most inspiring people you could meet at the Teens Unite Activity Stay and it's changed me and my outlook in a way I could never imagine.
I left on the train not knowing what to expect or who I'd meet or how I'd cope with taking part in crazy activities such as a sports day, Go Ape and sports activities with Olympic athlete Jade Johnson and honestly I was so close to dropping out, there's no way my body could dope with an activity week away so soon after chemo was there? Now that I'm back I'm gutted that it didn't go on for longer, it was the best week of the year and actually quite life changing, I've made friends for life, pushed myself more than ever before and managed to see that having cancer was the best thing that has ever happened to me. It has made me more determined than ever to achieve my goals and become a better person and that I'll be ok. My whole mentality and outlook has changed in 5 short days. My favourite experience of the week was Go Ape, climbing and swinging through trees. It wasn't my favourite because I was zip wiring through trees like Tarzan that was fun but it was my favourite because it was the moment I realised that if I can do chemo I can do anything, I'm actually very strong! I did need help after swinging on to a giant net, my arms wouldn't let me get to the other side, I couldn't hold on, a week before I was having toxic drugs pumped round my body but now I was getting help being pushed along and pulling myself up to swing again. The tarzan swing was near the start of the course, and I struggled, what is the rest of the course like? "Melissa, you've got this" was all I could hear as a I eventually stood up and I did have it, I was in control and determined to finish, it was the most physically demanding thing I've ever done and it was because of the cancer and treatment that I finished the course, climbing up a few trees was a walk in the park compared to chemo. Finishing that course meant more than just finishing, it meant I done it I conquered Go Ape and I could conquer anything. Also the words of encouragement from the other girls who've all conquered chemo as well helped a lot, struggling to stand but hearing "you've got this" was all I needed. My legs are bruised and I'm still aching everywhere but it changed me mentally I'm capable of doing anything. Another stand out day was the sports workshop with Jade Johnson and not because I got to meet Anthony Joshua. I used to be good at athletics I loved the freedom of running round a track, but now I was at my weakest physically and not sure at how well I was going to do. By Wednesday, the day of the workshop, I had made good friends, we were like a family and wanted to see each other succeed, whether success meant jumping the longest or just taking part everything we done was a massive achievement. My legs were like jelly but I still wanted to take part in the relay, I was slow and didn't win but I took part and had fun and that's all that matters. Cancer can be the loneliest road you ever have to take, no one else understands what you're going through, you feel like you must be the only 21 year old in the world to battle cancer. But I'm not alone, Teens Unite introduced me to lots of new people who are a similar age and battled cancer. One inspirational person was diagnosed with the same cancer as mine, diagnosed the same month and we finished our treatment at the same time! I was inspired by everyone at this stay, everyone was so strong and so supportive of each other it was actually quite overwhelming. We all understand the lonely cancer road and we're all determined to beat it and all become one of the 5%. I've been very lucky to be helped by lots of different charities but Teens Unite is so different and so much better than any other, to them I'm not just a cancer patient, I'm a young person who can achieve so much more than I can imagine, they've inspired me to not only achieve my goals but make new ones because I know I can achieve anything, they made me feel like the strongest person in the world, they're mission statement is "to help young people build on their self esteem, self confidence and to reduce the feeling of isolation, realising that others are facing similar challenges". I've gained so much from the Teens Unite Activity Stay. I'm a lot more confident, driven, determined and so proud of myself and all the other teens. I've made friends who are like family and already can't wait for the next event. It's such a special charity and I never thought I could ever be normal again, now I know I'm not normal my cancer doesn't define who I am it shapes who I'm going to be in the best way. I'm a better person because of my diagnosis and I'm going to be ok in the future and Teens Unite have helped me see that. Send help cause I'm in desperate need! Tomorrow I'm going to London for 5 days for an adventure week with Teens Unite, having lived in London for two years I'm used to leaving packing till the last minute and not knowing what to pack, what about that top that I forgot I bought months ago which still has the tags on what if I need it now! Honestly I'm a nightmare but now it's worse, like I said I'm going on an adventure week, actual fitness will happen with actual Olympic athletes and with people I've never met before. The struggle is real. The clue is in the title it's an activity week so I'll need stuff that I can do fitness like stuff in, here's were my stuggles begin, I lost a lot of weight with the cancer and treatment so had to begin my top quality Primark fitness gear all over again, honestly their sports bra's are better than any Nike or Adidas one I've tried! So that's that sorted, but not all activities are fitness related, there's an apprentice challenge day, what the fuck do I wear for that??!! I love The Apprentice and always imagined myself being a queen in the boardroom in my tailored dead smart business outfit slaying Lord Sugar but I don't think that's appropriate this time round. What will everyone else wear? This isn't a trip with my mates with a group Whatsapp asking what we are all wearing, I'll have to take like five different outfits just for the one day. Just when my suitcase is already bursting there's going to be a formal dinner with a smart dress code, you're all crying with me now aren't you? How smart is activity week smart? SEND HELP!! I love clothes and fashion and for once I'm quite confident with my sense of style, I know what I like and what suits me, at the minute I'm loving the brand Drop Dead and wish I had everything from their online store, the obsession is real, however I don't think my vest which says "drop fucking dead" is appropriate for a week away with cancer patients, they might not be on my level of irony, but it's so pretty! What about my denim shorts which say dead on them? Inappropriate? I got an email saying there will be a sports day and I have to wear something red, the colours in wardrobe go from grey to black so I'm screwed, I'm completely screwed. Until Tuesday when my dad treated me to my very own Liverpool FC shirt, something red!! And it's sporty!! And it's Liverpool!!! YES THANK YOU!!!! The thought of me doing a sports day is laughable but at least I'll look good coming last! When it comes to make up and looking after myself I'm a complete and utter girly girl, I'll happily pay a stupid amount of money on another different type of foundation, they're all different honest! I'll always obey my 4 make up rules, smoky eye, MAC lips, eye brows and no contour. even when I was going in for chemo I had to have my eyebrows on point and favourite satin brave MAC lipstick on. I take a good half an hour doing my make up and prep. So I'm trying to work this out if breakfast is at 9 I'm going to have to wake up at half 7 every morning to be on time aren't I? What is the living situation going to be like? Will I have good natural light to do my make up? STRUGGLES. What's going on with the night time situation? Are all the girls together? Am i going to have to wake up even earlier because there's not enough mirrors? I like to wear a t shirt to bed, literally a t shirt, I have 4 drawers full of pyjamas but I sleep in next to nothing, so what am I going to do for 5 nights? Also I never sleep in my wig, please tell me there will be other wig wearers who can just happily whip it off of at night! Also what about my nightly routine of fake tanning, do the other girls fake tan or is that something else I'm going to have to escape to the bathroom to do? What about accessories, I'm obsessed with jewellery at the minute and am probably responsible for all of Empty Casket and Etsy jewellers profits, take it all just take it all, you'll wear that big statement necklace when you're training with an Olympic athlete. I am looking forward to this trip it'll be good to be with new people who have gone through similar experiences and honestly I can't wait to get back into fitness and start pushing myself to the limit again, I can't wait to see what my new limit is what with the chronic exhaustion and desperately week body, it's the start of something new! But I don't like the unexpected and I hate packing for it. So how do you pack for an adventure week away with strangers? Honestly, you procrastinate till you have to, you watch Superman Returns even though you hate Superman and you only watch Superman for Henry Cavill but he's not actually in Superman Returns, that's how desperate you get. You pack for all occasions and all weathers cause let's be honest it's England in August who knows what will happen with this weather! You ignore your dads advice of packing light because you have to carry a suitcase round Euston station and on and off the tubes, you pack till the zip won't shut. That's how you pack for an adventure week with strangers. P.s if you're going somewhere you've never been take an emergency stash of food just in case you don't like what's provided. Here's my secret stash. PPS put some music on while you're packing, it helps! It doesn't help with the packing but pretending you're a good dancer and convincing yourself The Weeknd will call you up and be asked to be his backing dancer is fun!!!
Well well well, hasn't this week been life changing! I already know I'm going to be that auntie who bores everyone to death with endless amounts of pictures of her, yes I know every baby yawns but she looks so precious doing it! Amelia is only 3 days old but I've already made her so many promises from being here for her when her heart gets broken, too listening too her every word when she's obsessing over the latest boyband, to playing dress up with her. Tomorrow's a big day for me, massive actually, it won't be any different to any other Monday of the past 6 months I'm still going to have to get blood taken from me, get weighed, asked how much I've vomited the past 2 weeks and begin the 2-3 hours of hell also known as chemotherapy and probably worry about at which point am I going to throw up in public. So why is tomorrow different? Well tomorrow is the last time I'll be doing this, the last chemo, the last chance my body gets poisoned and depleted by the toxic liquids that kill what's left of my cancer. Finally. |