I've been thinking a lot lately, dangerous I know. But I've been thinking a lot and about a lot.
I didn't mean to take a two month break from writing, it's not like I haven't had the time I just haven't been writing. I've been thinking about where I want to take Ready Set Remission, I need it to move on from focusing on cancer, I can't focus exclusively on cancer myself. That doesn't mean I won't be writing about cancer ever again, fuck no it's still a massive part of my life, I'm allowing it to shape me into a better, stronger person because of it. I want to use my cancer to inspire and empower others. I want to use it to allow others to feel less lonely. I want to use it to show others cancer goes past chemotherapy and being clear of it. It's an illness that can take more than medical help to beat. But, I feel like for myself there's only so much I an talk about without bringing back too many traumatic memories. So, I've been pondering about blogging and writing and the differences between them. For me, blogging isn't me expressing myself, I suppose running and writing for a website is technically blogging. But calling it blogging is where I fell out of love with writing. Writing here, on this website, is my diary. It's my space to express myself. A few people have said that reading my words doesn't sound like me, they can't put my voice to my words. That's because I don't struggle talking about the things I write about. I struggle expressing the words I can easily write and I struggle with who I want to tell these words to. My spelling and grammar is terrible I know, I don't know where to use punctuation properly and most sentences probably don't make sense. I'm dyslexic but I love writing. So, back to the original point, where do I want to take my writing? I've been lucky to have support off cancer charities who've promoted my words and my website. With that comes lovely comments off people who can relate to my story which is everything I want with my writing. But then I began to panic at the thought of changing the subject of my words. What if I disappoint people who depend on my words about cancer? What if no one decides to read my words? I just become another blogger. It was this moment of panic that I stopped and thought who am I writing this for? Writing is therapeutic for me, I write for me. Of course I want to inspire and empower others and use this as a place where others can relate. But, overall my words are for me. When I write about empowering subjects it's because I need to hear those words. As I mentioned earlier, I'm better with writing than talking. It's interesting a massive thing that always comes up in my role as a young person's counsellor, is they always struggle with expressing themselves. Their heads are swirling with words they have no one to express to, they don't know how to speak their thoughts, This leads to over thinking ans can spiral into anxiety and depression. So I tell them to write everything down, it might not make sense and you might write down words you don't want to see but it helps. Queue me needing to take my advice and here is the final result. Writing clears my head, I write things I need to hear but like a few people said, my words don't have the same voice as me. Which brings me to the next thing I've been thinking about. Yesterday, my friend at the gym, who knows all about my cancer and knows I write and have a blog told me he still wanted to find it and read my words. I laughed it off "well you'll have to find it won't you". Much more polite and makes a lot more sense than "nope, no I'm not telling you my URL, I know I've only known you since after cancer but you know me as someone who doesn't jump on to the step who's very sarcastic". It's not that I don't want people who I know reading my blog it's just, I feel vulnerable when they do. Like I said, this is where I empty my head, write words I need to hear. Not a place where someone I didn't speak to in school can have a look at what cancer I had. I kept very quiet when I was having treatment, having cancer Isn't something to shout about, so it did come as a shock when news spread, very fast, and I did have comments by people who I've never spoke to or seen in 7 years tell me how brave I am, So I'm protective of myself, protective of my words. However, unlike the chemo, I don't hide this blog. It's in my personal twitter and instagram bios. If you want to read it you can, I'm just not going to shout about it. Now my friend at the gym, like I said he knows all about my cancer and know's what my body has been through, I was strongly advised to tell gym instructors about it for theirs and my own benefit. If he does happen to find it then hi mate! I don't mind if he does read it. But I'm very very good and making things seem easier than what they are, I don't like talking about fatigue or the fear of seeing my doctor, not that I think he'll tell me I have cancer again I just fucking hate talking so honestly about myself. My mind is a lot stronger and I like to tell people I'm doing better than not. When I was on treatment I'd put a face full of make up on covering up my paleness, dull eyes and thinning eyebrows and eyelashes, cover my thinning hair with a long blonde wig and make an effort to look nice. Not for anyone else but for me, so I couldn't see the effects cancer and chemo had on me. So when I looked in the mirror I saw a 21 year old not someone who's second home is a hospital. It actually makes me feel both happy and sad looking at pictures of me during treatment. Happy because look at that smiler not letting cancer beat her, look at her being with her friends embracing her new body enjoying being blonde. Sad because look at her, she has cancer and she's trying to smile, trying to be normal, look how much the cancer and the chemo has impacted her tiny body. That wig covering up barely there hair and all the make up. Only I know exactly what she looks like underneath that war paint. Only I knew. That blonde girl, that's me only I knew how she felt in those pictures. Only I saw what she looked like when the wig and the make up was off. Only I knew the torture that was chemo and what felt like endless vomiting and the weird physical pain that's not really painful but everything just hurts and can Thursday hurry up so I feel half human again. I want to protect everyone from knowing what chemo feels like, and with that came ignorance. Frustrating and cruel ignorance. If you're not going through cancer then it's easy to run away from. Trust me I know, I hated knowing my grandad was really ill with it so stuck my head in the sand and I regret doing that because now I know how lonely he must have felt. I've spoken to my nan about it and she understands every thought and feeling I have she tells me grandad understood. But I struggle with people's ignorance, I struggle with people running away when they should have been here. My friends I completely understand. At 21, we were all graduating and having fun. You're not supposed to have cancer at 21. It's scary I get it, I don;t blame you but no one was more scared than me. What I don't understand is actual grown ups who should be my role model running away. I feel like cancer has made me lose a lot. Lose things I shouldn't lose. I didn't lose this necessarily during treatment. Ignorance was a lot more clearer after treatment after I'd been told I'm cancer free and when I was supposed to be ok. I get it I thought I'd be ok as well. Before I started treatment and knew I'd be finished by August I thought great I'll be back in uni by September. Halfway through treatment I thought I can start uni in January. After treatment I knew I wasn't going back to uni. I had a big storm coming which dealt with a lot more than chemo. There was no pressure on me when I was on treatment, it was accepted that I was sick. But almost immediately after the last chemo there was a lot more "so are you going back to uni then?" "are you back at work yet?" "when are you moving back to London?". Not only was I trying to accept I had had cancer, I beat it, I'm now dealing with side affects no Macmillan leaflet warned me about, still looking every day at a bald head covered up with a blonde wig. But now there was the pressure of being normal again. No one had been through cancer, no one understood that cancer takes a long time to recover from. When you have a cold and it's mainly gone but you still feel a bit under the weather you still take that extra day in bed just to be on the safe side. So who really thinks that after 6 months of chemotherapy I'd be able to jump straight back into work? Now annoyingly, I have this thing of blaming myself for other people's ignorance. I know, I blame myself for other people choosing to not be interested in my time with cancer. Why? Because I covered up, no one saw me underneath the make up and wig, only my mum and dad came to chemo with me, they only seen me throw up in the hospital that one time when my dad caught me. I didn't make the big facebook announcement that I had cancer. I didn't understand myself the side affects I was going through. Yes I go the gym everyday and work bloody hard at it, push myself and probably do too much. Yes I went interrailing round Europe for three weeks, took a week long holiday to Barcelona and travelled through the Pyreness mountains and go on lots of city breaks, why not? I've got the time and I go at my own pace, I love experiencing new countries and new cultures no it has nothing to do with a new lease of life post cancer, yeas I'm still bloody tired. But lately I've realised something, the ones who've been the most ignorant? They don't want to know. They don't want to understand and because of this I don't know it's because they're scared or just don;t care. That hurts it hurts because some of these people used to be my biggest fan. It hurts because I give up with justifying myself, I know my body, me and my body have been through enough and we don't want to deal with ignorance anymore. One day there may come a time when their head comes out the sand but I might be doing my thing and over giving them a reason why. So I've been thinking a lot, and I'm trying to work out what's best for me. I write for me. It's ok if people I know want to read my words, I might not be comfortable with telling people what my website is called but it's easy to find it if you want to. I finally know that I don't need to justify myself, the ones who I want in my life will let me do my own thing at my own pace, if you can't understand why, I'm more than happy to talk about it. If you don't want to then please understand that I'm tired and only I know what my body has been through while you'e been off telling everyone how brave and strong I am and I don't like your ignorance so you can go if you want to. I'm ok, I'm getting stronger, the weights I lift tell me that, I love what I do. I beat cancer and I'm working hard at getting to my next chapter. I'm allowing myself to take time and not put extra pressure on me. I'm allowing me to be me.
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