"There's nothing to worry about you'd have the same symptoms if you've relapsed you're fine"
"Scanxiety isn't a thing, it's not real" Aaaah ignorance the common side effect of not having to deal with cancer or any other invisible illnesses, before I carry on if you're currently going through a serious illness, recovering or dealt with a serious illness a long time ago and still have the mental scars then your feelings are valid, everything you feel about your illness and how you feel is ok and don't let anyone else tell you how you feel or that you should be over it by now. It's up to you to choose how to feel about your illness and your recovery, the ignorant are wrong. I'm still trying to find a word to call these ignorant ones who haven't dealt with the shit we have, there are some words I could use but it's nice to be nice and I find the ignorant ones are very easily offended. Up until last week I thought I was doing ok with my recovery, I was having more good than bad days, I could see a little light, I was getting better with dealing with the chronic every day side effects, for the first time in a long time I could see a little light. Then I remembered I had to go for my CT scan which I have every three months. A scan used to detect cancer, if the cancer has spread and how cancer is affecting other organs. I think one thing the ignorant people can't understand is there's a massive difference between anxiety and scanxiety. Much like anxiety, you'll get the rush of worry about something with an uncertain outcome but with scanxiety you might know quietly that the results are going to be ok you know you're still in remission, you know the treatment is working. However, the difference is not what is going to happen it's about what did happen, a flashback to the first CT scan confirming I had cancer when I was painfully unwell. Going back to the hospital where I felt like I was being tortured alive with chemo, back as a patient as someone who needs medical care someone who isn't well.. I don't mind the whole scan part I'm ok in small spaces, needles or cannulars don't bother me, the dye they put into you so the pictures are unclear is unpleasant and I don't mind having to fast four hours before. What I care about is the sudden personality change I have on the days leading up to, the day of and a few days after the scan. It will take a while for my brain to not be consumed by the time I had cancer, I've only been in remission for 11 months but during this time I can't think of anything else, It's a weird feeling as soon as I enter the Royal Liverpool University Hospital I can taste the chemo again, I remember the staring I got off older people knowing they're thinking I'm too young to be a patient. The sympathetic looks I get off receptionists, nurses and radiologists when they realise I'm the patient and cancer doesn't care how old a person is. As it gets closer to the time of the scan your mind is fooled into believing that you have actually relapsed, the cancer is back and it's worse than before. I'm trying hard to have things to look forward to and in September I'm going interrailing round Europe. While waiting for my scan i was planning on how I was going to do my great escape if I had relapsed how I was going to explain to the doctor that we'll have to wait till October to start treatment, then I remembered how unwell I was before treatment, there's no way I could have the energy to do interrailing. HOLY SHIT I CANT GO INTERRAILING ANYMORE! "Melissa we're ready for you to have your scan now". That's how it works, you know what the results will be like really but you can quickly spiral out of control just by the smell of a hospital just by remembering everything you've been through. The ignorant people have another habit of seeing cancer fighters as heroes or inspirations, "I don't know how you done that I know I couldn't" well it's a big secret and I might be expelled from the angelic cancer hero group for saying this but if you're put in a life or death situation you choose to live and when you're diagnosed with cancer your life isn't in your hands anymore and before you can sign the treatment forms your doctors already have your treatment planned and waiting. It's when the treatment has finished and the doctors give what's left of your life back to you that the hard work starts, don't call me a hero because I had chemotherapy, call me a hero because I can go to hospital for a routine scan without switching personalities and without building it up too much. Call me a hero when you realise that cancer has scarred more than just my chest and I'm fighting a battle every day, when you realise that despite going the gym most days I'm fighting more than heavy weights I'm fighting a crippling exhaustion that never seems to leave. I'm not strong because I had chemotherapy, I'm strong because I'm recovering from that physically and mentally. I am getting better, stronger and more positive but as I mentioned earlier, I've only been in remission for 11 months, a year ago I was still having chemotherapy. My mum described recovery as a game of snakes and ladders. It's a long road which I don't expect everyone to understand. What I'm asking for is patience and wanting to try and understand and don't tell anyone their feelings aren't valid that they should be "over it by now" and "nothing to worry about" don't compare the survivors to those who lost their battle and call us the "lucky ones" believe me we fight the battle of survivors guilt every day. Please see scanxiety as something serious and be patient with us during the time of our scan and results. Distract us from our thoughts, treat us kindly, let us feel what we need to feel. We're fighting a war and we need support, if you don't want to understand tell us you can't cope but don't be blind don't make us feel lonelier than we already do. To the fighters and survivors and those yet to be diagnosed, your feelings are valid, it's ok and normal to feel like this, it's all part of the secret battle that's not included in the treatment plan. Don't surround yourself with those you know are hurtfully ignorant,Don't let anyone tell you scanxiety isn't a thing if they've never been through what you've been through. Don't let anyone doubt your own feelings, don't waste your energy on those who don't want to understand or those who've already made their mind up about how you should be feeling you don't need it. Scanxiety is a thing and you're going to be ok.
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