I haven't posted in so long! I'm sorry I didn't even mean to have this break I'm just the queen of procrastination and it can be hard trying to think of new and interesting things to right about.
Especially when I'm trying to recover from cancer and move on from it being a daily thing which is difficult considering my blog seems to be centred around it. I often wonder if I should change the style but then I see so many lovely comments from people who are going through exactly what I've been through and they're relieved they're not alone. That's the main joy I get out of doing this is hopefully helping young people fighting cancer feel less lonely and that what they're experiencing is perfectly normal in this weird world we've been thrown into. Then I thought to myself am I over cancer yet? Am I ready to move on? The honest answer is no I'm not, I'm still battling every day the invisible chronic side effects that aren't cancerous so aren't as respected but still feel as shitty and as real as cancer. I'm at a weird cross roads, as of September this year I was 1 year cancer free but I'm still technically unwell still not fit enough for work but itching for the next step while not knowing what that is. 1 year on I'm starting to accept what happened to me now and starting to see it as the blessing in disguise I was promised I would eventually see it for. After coming back from Barcelona and I think I mentioned it before but a lot of people noticed a difference in me, a lot more happier and a lot more positive. I struggled to see this change and still felt like a victim however a couple weeks ago I came back from three weeks of interrailing round Europe and it was in the last week that I myself noticed the change. I completed my travel insurance 7 hours before my flight to Amsterdam, I didn't want to got through it all again. I'm grateful for InsuranceWith for providing me with travel insurance at a normal price and making me feel like my illness will never hold me back from seeing the world however and understandably so they have to know EVERYTHING! I'm sick of telling people what happened last me and going through every detail. I'm an open book if someone genuinely wants to know what I've been through and more of an understanding I actually find it quite therapeutic for me especially knowing that people do care and want to know more but it doesn't half get boring going through my own head what happened, It's there every day. I had three weeks of going to new places with my friends to look forward to I didn't want to be answering questions on what chemo I had. With that finally done I was already for interrailing. I'll admit I was scared. Not of flying, not of not knowing the languages of the places I was going to or any other travel worries. I was scared of my fatigue and immune system. Usually I can't go a day without a nap, some days I wake up feeling like I've been on a 3 day bender when I've actually had a solid sleep. Fatigue can physically hurt, bring out your worst moods and can make you feel 82 instead of 22. Yet here I was planning on going to 9 cities in 8 countries in 21 days. I was scared that my friends wouldn't understand what I have to deal with on a daily basis even I don't understand most of the time. 21 days, I don't think I've gone longer than 21 days without being struck down by some ridiculous infection or cold of some sort which keeps me bed bound and out the game. I was stocked up on multi vitamins and Iron tablets but my body has been battered what good can they do? Well guess what a miracle happened, I went 21 days without being unwell!! Shout out to Home & Baragins multi vitamins! I did however feel every emotion I think a human can ever experience, when I got home and people asked me how it was I can't find one word to describe it, it was a weird rollercoaster where I learned more than just how overrated Rome is. I experienced everything I ever dreamed of. I experienced local food, different cultures, swam in crystal clear lakes. But most importantly I learnt a lot about myself and honestly believe if it wasn't for cancer, the end of the trip would have been a lot different. It went a bit tits up and I was faced with a decision do I go home early with my friends or carry on for a bit longer by myself and explore somewhere new. Looking back it wasn't a hard choice, I booked tickets to a football match before a flight home, I knew what I loved and what I wanted. My thought process was I've been through too much to give up and go home, I haven't been given a second chance to not explore new places. I was on my own in Barcelona I can do it. I've got this. So for 5 days I was on my own free to go at my own pace and not feel bad if I needed a rest. As I said earlier Rome was amazingly overrated, probably somewhere everyone should go see and experience but I couldn't cope with having selfie sticks in my eye for much longer. By this point I had spent over two weeks being a tourist I was used to being asked if I wanted a selfie stick but Rome was on another level of tourist. Maybe it was because before Rome we didn't go to overly busy tourist places but it was like nothing I've ever experienced before. I went to Stadio Olimpico to watch AS Roma V Inter Milan, I love football I don't care who's playing football is the one thing that has remained normal since I was diagnosed, the only thing that has stayed normal. By the time I had explored Vatican City I felt like I'd seen Rome I didn't want to wrestle through tourists anymore, I was free to nap!!! I ventured to Milan were I treated myself like the Queen I am and finally felt proud of myself, proud that I felt independent enough, proud that I felt strong enough and proud that I have enough self love to not take shit, to know my self worth. But the one thing I was most proud of was not once did I think I wanted to go home early there was no hesitation, it wasn't an option for me. I knew what I wanted from interrailing and I achieved it all and learned so much more than I thought I would. I still have really bad days, days when I can't see further than the end of my own bed, days when I don't want to see further than my own bed. But now I feel I have more control, the next day I can acknowledge that the day before was pretty shit. A lot has been pit into perspective, I'm lucky to be surrounded by the friends and family I have, lucky at all the opportunities my writing is giving me and determined to make the most of it and without me knowing so far it's been a pretty good year. I'm still too unwell for work, I'm still battling side effects every day I still hate cancer adverts and can't watch anything with a 'cancer' story line but like in the letter Steven Finn sent to me, there's a light out there that I can't lose that light. Because of cancer I've realised my self worth and a strength I didn't know I have. Dealing with bad days is hard and a daily struggle but I've come a long way in a short amount of time and it's ironic that it takes a shit situation to make you realise this. To see our positive aspects we have to go through negative shit. Enjoy the rollercoaster I don't think anyone has any answers to get over cancer, everyone is different go at your own pace just please don't lose the spark that's keeping you going. You've got this! Find what makes you happy and run away with it and don't look back. Don't let anyone tell you what makes you happy is a bad thing or weird or anything negative, it's your happiness that matters. You've been through too much to take shit, keep exploring and it'll get better once day.
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