When I lived in London, one of my favourite things to do was walk round the city at night when the streets were deserted. The city of London is well known for being busy, full of hard workers, full of hustlers working hard, being successful achieving their dreams. At night the streets aren't full of city workers suited up running in trainers to make their lunch time meetings, it's quiet but the lights in the office are still on and you'll always find one lone worker hunched over a computer. a study was conducted which analysed 550 London staff from BNP Paribas the study found that stress levels were dangerously high. co author of the study David Plans found that the culture of always working is "killing people". Stress levels are dangerously high and "hustling" is now directly linked to cardiovascular disease. We're taking work home and not properly switching off. We have responsibilities at home and kids to feed. There's no time for "me time".
It's hard when most peoples work hours aren't their choice, you have to work to make money and keep on working to make enough money. There isn't enough support or recognition of this. Too many people are working just to pay the bills. We get home scroll through Instagram and see bloggers telling us about the importance of meditation, getting out of the city and have a weekend break, take time to make nutritious meals, you'll feel much better when you go the gym. Wake up half an hour earlier there's always time for the gym. "Pay £1000 come on my stress free, gluten free, technology free 2 day retreat the other side of the world" I love when influencers do these because there's always a comment mentioning the price which is usually "justified" by explaining what they're paying for. The only way to have a solid 10/10 self love retreat can only be achieved by flying to the Maldives with a Michelin star vegan, raw food, eco friendly chef, you get a "free" £600 goody bag full of gluten free snacks and raw maple leaf water full of antioxidants and ab making detoxing plant based shit. Now I'm no nutritionist but I'm 100% certain your insides and skin will feel the love if you feed it 2 litres of tap water. I don't mind the retreats or what they offer I think any form of self love help is a positive thing. I just don't like the promotion of them, they're there because we don't know how to look after ourselves. We don't understand the basics of nutrition or mindfulness. We're being programmed to think that we only love ourselves if we drink water from the raw tree in the amazon rainforest freshly bottled in an eco friendly cup at the source. I need to stop now as I feel like I'm repeating myself from my last post. As someone who done a degree in advertising I feel like I can tell you this; self love is quickly becoming a brand, a quick money making, expensive brand. You can still have me time within your busy schedule which doesn't involve coconut water. It's about stripping back to the basics. Are you ready, have you found time to sit down? Write down what gives you that warm feeling of happiness, not big things but the little things. I mean little such as eating, having time to binge watch, going for a walk, listening to music, watching memes. Guess what, these are all a part of self love. You are doing something you enjoy, you are making yourself feel good. Every time you've said "oh I love doing that" what is it you love doing? If you don't have time to do something small what you love doing at least once a day, then be brutal with yourself and change something. Your brain wasn't made to just learn what you learnt in school, it doesn't understand that once you get the degree that's it with education. Love your brain, keep it engaged. Learn a new thing every month. Buy books, do a crossword. Anything that keeps it ticking. It'll help you when you're a lot older. You might even learn enough to realise that what we learnt in school and the school curriculum is a load of bollocks. My mum calls me the why bird, for some reason I want an answer for everything, I think everything's a conspiracy and want to just know why. I love education. It's never too late to learn something new I love hearing about mature students or about someone who went for a completely new career in their 40's. Education is constantly changing and constantly updating it's important to keep up to date for ourselves. Now I'm not saying go enrol and get a degree, it literally might just be reading the paper or listening to a podcast. Although there are a lot of free college courses and I love the Open university website for their free courses. OK I get it I took the piss out of meditation before but at the moment I'm reading Ruby Wax's A Mindfulness Guide For The Frazzled and the science is there kids, mindfulness helps. It helps our brains. It's good for us. For anyone thinking about mindfulness or wondering what the fuck that Instagram influencer is going on about, I strongly recommend buying this book. It's so much more than Ruby telling us to download Headspace and sit for 10 minutes. It describes the science behind our brain. It's so fascinating and I appreciate how open and honest Ruby is talking about her own mental health. Looking after our mental health is just as important as going the doctors about that three week cough. Keep a diary. As a children's counsellor I tell all the kids this when they sound overwhelmed. Keep a mood diary to track mental health triggers, keep it if you need to measure when you're eating, keep one to measure goals progress. Or keep one to just empty out all your thoughts and feelings at the end of the day and how you feel especially if you have no one else to talk to. It's OK to not write in it everyday It's OK if you read it back and it doesn't make any sense because you're so stressed your head doesn't make sense anymore. It's OK if your thoughts scare you. Writing down and reading your thoughts might clear your head or encourage you to talk to a professional. Talking to someone about your health is the best form of self love. Be social if your own mind is your worst enemy talk about it, if you realise you haven't had any human contact in 2 days, talk to someone. If you work from home, maybe one day move your office to a coffee shop. Laughing is a perfect medicine. Surround yourself with those you love and those who help you love yourself and allow you to be the best version of you. While going through the self love journey and general growing up you'll think a lot about those who you surround yourself with. You may realise actually your partner puts you down a lot. Your friends don't hold the same values as you do and they actually make you feel pretty shit about this. Fuck them you don't need that. But it's hard isn't it, it's hard when you realise you're now completely different to your childhood best friend, when you realise your boyfriend doesn't make you feel good about yourself and is actually a human form of a heap of shit. It's not easy breaking up or cutting out friends. If you're in this position, write a list. How does this person make me feel? What good do they offer me? If they don't make me feel good, are they ok? Am I being petty, can I look past the fact they love oranges but I fucking hate them? It's all about you and what and who works best for you. If you find yourself with no one, the joys of social media means there's always an online community who gets you. Again, respect yourself enough to know who's worth it. Have time alone, I get so sad when I see people hop to the next relationship because they don't like being alone or people who can't go somewhere cause they've got no one to go with. You're pretty alright company by yourself. I do believe you lose a bit of yourself if you don't have alone time and spend all your time socialising. How are you supposed to know who you are if you spend too much time talking to others about their lives. Yeah being alone for too long can be dangerous especially when you don't have the kindest thoughts in your head but it's good to spend some time by yourself. My favourite advocate of this is Dr. Hazel Wallace, the Food Medic. she's such an independent queen I love it. If you don't live by yourself, have a bath or just go somewhere where you know you won't have someone knocking on your door every two seconds. Go for a coffee and people watch for a bit, take a walk while listening to your favourite music. Do a face mask. anything that makes you appreciate you and your company. Move more, it's been proving that exercises makes us feel good, those little endorphin's are miracle workers. But here's something that might shock you. Your body doesn't actually know it's in the gym. It's aware it's working hard and moving a lot but it doesn't know what building it's in. Don't sacrifice spending time with a friend because you booked a spin class. I admit it, I have my gym routine and I love it, training is my happy thing and yeah I get annoyed when I can't make it one day I'll admit that but what am I doing instead of that? Because that might be worth more. You don't have time or the money for a gym membership? That's fine Instagram is full of at home workouts. Being outdoors and going for long walks might actually be better for you than training indoors. Just because you didn't lift weights one day doesn't mean your body hasn't got the physical activity it needs. If it's a nice day, walk to the next bus stop not the one closest to your house, take in your surroundings appreciate the fresh air.Especially if you work in an office, work your glutes and keep moving. There are a lot of people who are too sick to move so if you're able to please move. It's also now that I want you to know if you want one lazy day where you only move to get food and have a wee, that's fine. Don't let that person who's in the gym on a Sunday morning on Instagram make you feel bad. One day of not moving won't affect the weight you can squat. Lets get a bit deeper and think about what's good for your body because let's be honest your health is your wealth. How does your body feel when you move? How does your body feel when you finish eating? Should you move more? Move less? There's so much shit for people who don't go the gym and eat not so nutritious foods. What about the ones who are injured cause they trained everyday last week, they're forcing themselves to eat a fucking garden because without abs they're nothing. no matter how you move or how you eat you might not be hitting that self love. Our body needs nutrients and all that good shit in it. It makes us move better and feel better, more energised. Don't eat for aesthetics, don't eat green salads cause you have to be healthy. How do you see food? Do you count calories? Syns? Is food a number to you? No food fuels you, food gives you energy. Does food affect your mental health? Do you get anxious when you think about what to have for your tea? Please speak to someone about this, get your doctor to refer you to a nutritionist or dietitian. Look at your food and ask yourself what are you and your body getting from this. Is your body getting it's essential nutrients? Are you getting pleasure from eating your chicken nuggets? Or are you looking round and seeing your out with your friends and family and that's more important. Feed your body with your veg and feed your soul with your pizza. Balance kids. Food isn't numbers, food isn't anxiety, food is essential for life and to enjoy. Use self love to see this, nourish yourself, treat yourself, respect yourself. With food comes drink, you're not Satan if you drink full sugar coke, you're not actual Jesus if you drink gluten free water. Is that a thing? I feel like it will be a thing eventually. OK fizzy drinks aren't the best for our bodies, drink them every hour of every day and our teeth will probably fall out. But only cut them out if your dentist tells you too. You have one can of coke, you won't wake up with your black teeth on the floor. You'll burp and enjoy it and claim it cured your hangover. Your mates invite you for a night out, you have a work out planned for the next day and read an article about how vodka gives you all the diseases in the world and the affect of alcohol on the liver. A night out with girls beats any training session, and getting drunk on a Saturday night will not destroy your liver or give you heart disease. Of course don't have vodka every hour of every day. See alcohol as a social thing or something to accommodate your evening meal. One tip; research has shown that diet coke gets you drunker than full sugar coke, so which is actually "healthier"? Coconut water out the bottle reminds me of a horrific experience I had at uni but I love the fresh out the coconut water, drink what you enjoy and don't let anyone else make you feel bad about it. Where it gets the most deep self love can ever get is when you don't want to love yourself, you're too unwell to love yourself. When the little things that give you happiness no longer do and you're so numb nothing makes you feel good. I hope that if you feel like this you speak to a professional. If you're too unwell to leave your bed, opening the curtains is self love and if you're able too sitting up is self love. Using all your energy to have a shower is self love. I've been there I've been so unwell I can't leave bed and it's fucking shit, It's the worst feeling, it's shit, unfair and lonely. Please try though. If you physically can't leave bed please try and write or keep your brain active. Please try and maybe moisturise or have a quick wash. When you can't see past that big dark wall knock a brick down, take it day by day. Keeping yourself alive might be your strongest form of self love. Now I don't think many of my suggestions require a two day retreat, strip it down and it's not as overwhelming or as cheesy as the concept of self love sounds. Do something everyday that makes you feel good about you. Say no to things you don't want to do, if it doesn't make you feel good it might not be important. Look after yourself, having your health means you're the richest person in the world, having self respect makes you the strongest person in the world. It's OK if you don't have either of these as long as you take it day by day to get there. You do you, don't compare, don't put others down. Smile at a stranger say hello to whoever you come into contact with. Find your balance, look after your body and your soul. You're going to be OK.
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While aimlessly scrolling through Instagram the other day I came across a comment on a very popular influencers post which made me procrastinate so hard I made spider diagrams looking into the wellness industry. The comment said "you're telling me to not look at my body while posting a picture of you with your abs out" the post was about not analysing or hating your body. A very important message but the whole post highlighted exactly were the industry is fucking up. If you're telling someone to not analyse or even look at their own body and to accept it for how it looks then you don't need a picture of your very sculpted body to go with the caption.
Of course telling someone to accept themselves how they look, how they are rolls, cellulite and all is all fine and really good I love it but that one comment opened my eyes to how toxic these messages are slowly becoming. It doesn't take long to find a before and after picture with a caption ensuring they loved how their body looked in the before picture. Ok, cool what's the point you're trying to make? Why are you so focused on the change in your body? Why are you telling someone to accept their rolls but your after picture shows perfectly sculpted abs? Ironically these are the same people who claim to exercise to feel good but in a post a week later will be showing off their favourite glute exercises to get the perfect bum. I was once told that you can't change someone with words, they'll only change when they feel they want to change. So why do influencers feel their words focusing on changing someones beliefs and thoughts about themselves be changed by a picture of abs and one of rolls proving we can change our body with good angles and lighting while telling us they never exercise for aesthetic purposes. Ironically while procrastinating writing this post I went on Instagram to message my friend and on the search section where it comes up with recommended posts I saw qa picture of a body at 8am and a more bloated version of the same body at 10pm showing that bloating is normal, of course it is but the caption gave a paragraph on loving their normal bloated body the next offered bloating remedies. Can you see the fucking problem now? If your bloating causes illness or pain please go see a doctor or a registered nutritionist, of course it's normal but if you feel you need remedies for it your body deserves medical attention. That paragraph about bloating remedies ended with the person saying "as you can see these sometimes don't help" not really a remedy then are they mate? It was also clear on the morning picture she's breathing in. Please if you're going to do a I love my body and accept how it looks post then post a picture of how your body actually looks. I just feel influencers have allowed the word influencer go to their head a bit, it's not even a real word. If you're in the awful situation where you hate yourself, you hate your body and would do anything and pay anything to change it then an I love my body and it's celulite post isn't going to change your mentality. It actually might take talking to a professional to change your mentality. For me it took me feeling a certain way about training and eating well to change my mentality and a lot of trial and error and being patient with myself. We've all been there aimlessly wandering around gym machines and forcing ourselves to eat food we don't like because it's green. But that's were Instagram has it's benefits I follow these fitness and food bloggers for inspiration for my own meals and workouts. I have the same weekly routine with the gym and I love it, I love lifting heavy weights, spinning and circuit training. I love it because I feel good doing it and it constantly challenges me. But you know what is ok, exercising to look a certain way especially with holidays or family events to look forward to. I'm sure, well actually I've seen an influencer who's stepped up their exercise regime because they had a holiday booked and that's fine but I just wish they admitted they were doing it but it probably went against their core brand values but even saying "actually I want to feel my most confident when I'm in a bikini so I'm working even harder because I know a physical change will help me feel good despite the fact I tell you all to accept your flaws" would have helped it was that obvious what they were doing. For me next year I'm going to be a bridesmaid, I'm going to be photographed a lot and walk down the aisle with everyone staring at me. You best believe I've already spoken to my personal trainer friend about bridesmaid bootcamp, I want to look my best for that wedding, why? Because I want to look at pictures of my brothers wedding and know I worked extra hard to look that good. When I think about what I'll look at the wedding I don't think about what my body will look like because that will start a poor mental approach to bridesmaid bootcamp, I know the areas I want to target and see where a professional can take me and how far I can push my body. One thing you won't see me do is take a before and after picture saying I accepted my body in the before picture because if I did I wouldn't do bridesmaid bootcamp would I? I don't want this post to be seen as me attacking the wellness industry, I'm all for self love and self acceptance and using a platform to spread this message. I love seeing girls lift weights and love spreading the message of self love and taking care of yourself. It can just be a bit of a gobshite at times and very toxic. Toxic to the point where you tell someone to love their stretch marks. Fab that's better than what the so called standards of society to tell us. But this young person may has had it programmed into them that stretch marks are ugly and you shouldn't have them if you haven't had kids, while she's shopping for make up she can see bio oil who's main selling point is it makes stretch marks disappear. She's seen your Instagram post to accept her stretch marks and love them. Conveniently she's booked a holiday and she wants to be proud of her body, yes this year she's going to wear a bikini. Congratulations influencer your message is working. She finds a nice bikini, she's telling herself she's going to look so good and confident in this bikini. She tries it on and she fucking hates herself. she's built it up in her head that she's going to feel and look confident, there's someone telling her stretch marks are beautiful but in this moment she doesn't like them and she doesn't like what she sees in the mirror. She's confused because she's told herself stretch marks are beautiful and when she sees them on Instagram she agrees with herself that they are beautiful. But that's the thing about self love isn't it, it takes time and practice, working on the inside to love the outside. While Bio Oil is bad for selling themselves on getting rid of scars and stretch marks it can be just as bad telling someone they have to love themselves. Of course they do but have some empathy, self love takes time and there's no right or wrong limit. It's ok to not love what you see in the mirror as long as you promise yourself to work on how you feel about yourself. Stretch marks are cool but don't feel pressured to show yours off if you aren't comfortable just because someone else is. We're all working in our own time scale. Don't stop telling people to stop comparing themselves to others just don't think a picture of your abs is suitable for that caption. I bought a be your best self journal and not once does it talk about my body, how it looks or about how I feel about my body because self love starts within. No matter what the caption says you look at someone elses body and you think about your own, it's human nature. Don't tell me to focus on my personality if I'm 2 inches of material away from seeing your arse hole. If you're showing a progress picture and the caption tells me that you weren't happy with what you saw in the first picture so you made some changes and this was the end result and you feel a lot better, that's fine it's your social media. The wellness industry just deserves a bit more honesty if we're going to be more open, that's all. Be honest with how long self love can take, it's not a given thing and it's not a consistent mentality. Much like all thoughts and feelings self love can and will have it's up and down days. Find what works for you, follow people who share your core values and who make you feel good and if you need some comic relief from the wellness world please follow @WellnessTed on Instagram and go eat that piece of cake and don't feel bad about it. Every week I tell young people struggling with things that are going against them, their mental health and general wellness to write down their thoughts and feelings, empty their head it'll make them feel a lot better. I tell my friends to take some time for themselves, focus on what makes them feel good to not get caught up in the boring 9-5 treadmill or become a sheep. I'm Melissa and I'm really good at giving advice and really shit at taking my own advice.
This week I got some really shit news effectively going along the lines of "you don't look sick so you mustn't be sick". In a world where we're trying to break the stigma around invisible illnesses we have health professionals spouting that shit. Now, I have good support and it'll be sorted one way or the other but it was a reminder that actually it's quite hard facing adversity, not because it's hard facing something that's quickly and strongly going against us but because it's almost as if it's not OK to take a moment to have a pity party and feel fucking shit about it. Instead of telling someone to get up because they're stronger than quitting ask them what's happened to make them want to quit, have empathy not sympathy. When I got that shit news I took a day to process it and allowed myself to feel shit because I was allowed to and I'm in control of my thoughts and feelings. It's the day after and I'm over the pity party, I know what I need to do next, take a deep breath and say it's a bad day not a bad life. But what was important for me to get here and see the big picture was allowing that time to grieve and I think it's important to call it grieving. To grieve is, according to the Oxford dictionary, to feel intense sorrow. To grieve isn't exclusive to coping with death. I was watching This Morning yesterday and I went from "you go queen" to "oh god honey no" there was a young girl who sat her GCSE's hours after losing her home in the Grenfell fire. She done amazing and she allowed herself to cry after sitting her exams but what hit me the most was when she said "if you want something, you'll get it". I'm not blaming they young lady for saying this but in this moment I couldn't help but think about the other Grenfell survivors watching this who felt they couldn't carry on with what was expected of them, of family members of those who lost their lives in that fire who still feel like they can't carry on. What that young lady done was right for her and she's still a queen for doing so well and I'm not picking on her I'm picking at the message of if you want something you'll go get it, that not simply getting up and carrying on immediately makes you weaker than those who did. Breaking stigma's is a good start, talking about the times when we weren't ok is a good start. Carrying on like nothing has happened is fine if that's how you feel. Acknowledging that you need time to accept something shit even accept it as unfair and shouldn't have happened to you is fine . No the world doesn't owe you a favour, it can be cruel and unfair, decisions beyond our control can hurt us. Don't think allowing the pain and hurt makes you weak. There are no right or wrong ways to coping with shit times, one size doesn't fit all. If you need to cry about something don't allow someone to tell you you're better than your tears. One thing you're in control of are your thoughts and feelings, just as long as you get to that stage yourself that you're better than whatever's fucked you over. I had a pity party yesterday I asked myself why always me? Why am I the queen of bad luck? How does the world expect me to be strong enough to fight this one? I cried, I felt shit all day. Then I slept, woke up the next day and done my usual Friday morning routine. It still feels shit but it feels a lot clearer with what I have to do next. Everyone will have this feeling, it's normal and I think going through a shit time and processing it the way we need to leads to bringing out the best in people. I'm definitely a lot more empathetic. I understand that the way you look has no impact on how someone feels or what's going on inside. If you want something you can go get it, time's a concept do it when it feels right for you and if you are having a rough time you're still strong and brave and accepting you for who you are and how you accept rocky times won't ever change that. I've wanted to write about this for a while but I didn't know what to say or how to word it, It's hard to accept what happened in Manchester two weeks ago.
Unfortunately I'm no longer surprised by terrorist attacks, I'm sad and angry and i think about the victims and their families, but I carry on because that's what we should do. But what happened in Manchester has shook me and two weeks on I'm still processing it all and letting my emotions do their thing. Going to Manchester Arena is a normal thing to do, if I want to go to a concert and the artist isn't playing Liverpool then it's not a hard decision to choose to go to Manchester, it's 40 minutes away, a train ticket can be £2. The station is right next to it, there's no worry or no rush. Going to a concert is a normal thing to do, my favourite thing about concerts is for a couple hours you can just be yourself, you can do whatever you want to do and no one will judge you. It's a happy place but more importantly it's a safe place. It's a safe place for many for different reasons. For a lot of people, their favourite music artist saved their life, music can take people to a happy place mentally. To see the person who has helped you this much in person is massive. A concert can be escapism for whatever shit they're going through outside the arena. You should never go to a concert and think about whether you'll come home or not. As I mentioned and it's sad to say but we're used to terrorism, it's not that shocking anymore. But we're used to it happening in capital cities. Targeting a concert in Manchester is conformation that nowhere can be classed as safe. I said to my friend last night that it's hard to understand why this has affected me so much but I think I've recently had a breakthrough. When I was told I had cancer within a minute I was told I would be cured, there was a new sort of appreciation for my life and my body because anyone can get ill at anytime. I was told if you've got your health you've got everything but all of a sudden having your health isn't enough to survive. It never was to be fair, you could step out in front of a bus and not survive but it's hard to process that you can go about doing your daily things and not survive. It's knowing that children, young adults and parents were targeted. No human would ever want children to suffer. When bad things happen it usually brings out the best in others and the response from the people of Manchester has been inspiring, you don't mess with a city like Manchester. Yes that did hurt to write coming from a scouser. But the past couple of weeks rivalries are nothing, Manchester is a city unites and the rest of the country is standing with them. It was a pleasure to be in Manchester yesterday to watch the concert, upon exiting Manchester Piccadilly I was greeted by people smiling at each other, I felt safe when I arrived, everyone was doing what they should be doing, just carrying on. Because, that's what we've been told isn't it, carry on and don't be scared. Love will always beat fear. But just for a minute I want you to be scared, be fucking scared, because it's terrifying what happened and what happened in London on Saturday night. Don't cancel out fear because you feel it's more brave to ignore that feeling and carry on. It's ok to feel scared, just don't let that fear rule your world. Go out and enjoy yourself, listen I'm not telling you to book an all exclusive holiday to Libya but don't stay inside, don't stay away from cities, don't stay away from places that have been attacked before. I don't know how to stop terrorism from happening, I wish I knew. I do know how to smile, it sounds simple but a simple smile might be very effective. That's your challenge, smile at a stranger. Be kind, be kind to someone who needs kindness (that's everyone). Let your good emotions last longer than your sad or scared ones. Let your anger grow into doing something productive. I hate that for the past two weeks, everytime I've said goodbye to someone it's followed by a "stay safe". Take a deep breath and choose love over hate and fear. Keep going to concerts and be vigilant. Keep an eye open and report any suspicious behaviour. Every time I think about what happened two weeks ago, my heart hurts. My heart hurts whenever I see the young faces of the 22 who lost their lives. When I think about the response from the emergency services, the people of Manchester and from Ariana Grande and everyone involved with the One Love concert, my heart feels full again, the fear goes away and love wins. Not knowing what will happen next or if you could be a victim of terrorism is scary, but use this fear and go and live life. Take a deep breath and do whatever you've been putting off, enjoy yourself and be honest with your feelings. Let others know they're loved. Doing something for others, be selfless and smile. I've heard it before "I might die tomorrow and I'm stuck in this office" so look for one that you know you'll enjoy. Be surrounded by those who bring you up and make you feel like a fucking queen. Life's a game, jump off the boring treadmill and enjoy yourself. Sadness can become happiness, it's up to you to find happiness in the darkest times, Like Dumbledore said turn on that light. I wanted to write about mental health this week as it's mental health awareness week and I especially wanted to write about Girl Gains' co founder Victoria's #SelfLoveIn6. So here I am writing about self love and mental health.
When I first joined the gym two weeks after finishing chemo, it was my way of taking control of my body, giving it what it needed and looking after it. Feeding it and working it the way it was supposed to. When I first joined the gym two weeks after finishing chemo, I didn't realise the mental effect of going through cancer at such a young age. When I first joined the gym two weeks after finishing chemo, I didn't realise that the gym would become my life, an essential part of my day and probably a massive part of my future career. When I first joined the gym two weeks after finishing chemo, I didn't realise that I would switch from looking a certain away to working to get them happy endorphin's released. There are sometimes days when it's shit, it's all shit and it's ok for me to have these days. Fuck me I was 20 when I had to drop my whole life because I was diagnosed with cancer. I was allowed a bit of self sympathy. As I mentioned, when I joined the gym I wasn't aware of the mental side effects of the aftermath of cancer. How do you beat cancer but still feel sad? How do you struggle to do life when life has given you a second chance? But despite joining before I knew about these feelings and still having these feelings I strongly believe the gym is my happy place. The girl who dropped out after one lap of the bleep test in high school fell in love with fitness and getting strong. That feeling when I leave the gym knowing how hard I've pushed my body and end up feeling so happy is unique. I'm going to say it but that feeling when endorphins are released is the best feeling the human body can experience. I feel like I'm capable of doing anything, walking home from the gym is the time when I make them adulty phone calls that i'd worry myself over. That reminds me I'm going to think about that when I'm half way through spinning and genuinely think my legs are about to fall off that the feeling after it is worth it and not for aesthetic reasons. However, and it's usually when I'm looking in a mirror or getting ready for a night out with my friends do I go on self critical mode, Girls seriously we get enough shit as it is, why do we do a good job in bringing up all other girls but beating ourselves up? Why is self love seen as arrogant? There are times when I look at my beautiful friends and automatically think that style of dress will never suit me instead of thinking they look cute, I can't cut my tits off to look good in that but I know what suits me. My body is strong I know that, I know I go the gym to be strong and not skinny but there's always something that makes me think yeah I can deadlift but I wish I was as thin as my friends. Yet my friends might be looking at themselves thinking where are my boobs? Instead of embracing our natural bodies we wish we were someone else. We hate anyone else body shaming but we body shame ourselves. The mental torture we can put ourselves through can be toxic, that's why I'm working on getting my brain as strong as my legs. This is where Victoria comes in. I've always loved watching her Instagram stories, in a world of wellness and unqualified people giving potentially dangerous advice, the world of fitness on social media can be a mine field. So it's refreshing to watch someone who is real, Victoria is smiley and talks about enjoying life finding that balance of nourishing her body and nourishing her soul. She's not scared of enjoying herself. She encourages everyone to find their own kind of perfect, that being perfect starts from the inside. If you're healthy and happy you don't need anything else. Also, it's nice and refreshing to hear a northern accent. #SelfLoveIn6 was something I was immediately interested in. I loved how it was a pace yourself take your time kind of thing. she wasn't shitting out information on how you can go from zero to hero within an hour. It's real and it takes time and understanding. It also feels like team work, it's my own personal journey but team work makes the dream work and to quote the Wildcats we're all in this together. Task one was about setting goals, a task I've done before and always find strange writing down my dreams, it was easy I'm slowly working out what I want and when I write down another I can't stop and it escalates. I dream big. Task 2 was when the tears set in. How do I overcome my doubts? How do I overcome the fear of cancer coming back meaning I have to drop my life again and hand it over to doctors who know my body more than me? How do I get over the thought of overcoming this cancer then a doctor going "well done but that was a trial run, do it again for real". If I could get rid of this fear would I be able to run? Maybe not cause chemo decided to make me chronically tired and I've worked bloody hard to love and respect my inside body and listen to it's every need. Why haven't I pursued my goals yet? Because I'm taking the time to pick up my life again and doing what I really want to do, this takes time and understanding and that's ok. The tears set in because it was a reminder that I'm starting again. My 23 year old life feels like three different lives. Before, during and after cancer. It's emotional to say fuck it maybe I'll only have one go at cancer and I'm worrying over nothing. If someone could say to me "listen love you'll never get cancer again carry on" that'd be great thanks but 20 year old me knows cancer isn't a person and cancer doesn't care. Task 3: Are my own self beliefs holding me back? Yes Vic yes they are love. My belief is that cancer can strike anyone. This is, now what's the word for the opposite of ignorant because that's what this is. It's dangerous because I look at people running with their lives and thinking what would happen if cancer hit them. "I'm too tired" I hate being tired because what tired am I? Mentally or physically? Both can stop me doing things. Task 3 was the moment everyone realised they're programmed to self criticise. It's good to address your self beliefs. Task 4 hurt, task 4 was scary. I didn't know how to approach it. I'm strong with words, with using words to clear my head. What I'm not strong with is looking in the mirror and addressing it. I mean I can see abs and strong lefts and if I feel my arms I feel muscle. But I'm bloody self critical. I don't avoid mirrors, there are days when I'm like ay get on them abs .Days when I'm like why do I look like ten tone Tessa? My favourite part of my body is my scar on my chest just above my boob. It's my cancer badge. A lot of people say too me aren't you bothered about where it is? Every doctor says "wow that's big, that's big considering it was just a chest biopsy" What now scars have to be a certain size? If the operation man wants to cut a bit more to remove cancer then bloody go for it. Not once did I try to hide my scar. I will never dress to accommodate my scar, I don't care about my scar being above my boob because there was cancer just above my boob. Task 4 will take a long time, cancer gave me stretch marks to love, I have burn marks from chemo which often gets confused for fake tan that hasn't been rubbed in, yes I get a kick out of people rubbing my shoulder advising me about tan mits and watching their faces drop as I tell them about chemo burning skin and leaving a permanent mark that doesn't like a scar. But I'll get there. I mentioned earlier the term inner body, this is because for whatever reason I address my body as the insides being my inner body and the outsides as my outer body. Which is technically correct but the only difference is, I love my inner body it was destroyed by cancer but here it is still beating, still going against every expectation and being stronger than it's meant to. It's my outer body that doesn't get the same level of love and respect and gradually this will change. I'm excited to see what the other tasks are and see where I end up with this challenge, I'm excited to persevere and address things that I might be scared to address. Thank you Vic for bringing this challenge. Thank you for bringing up your past and being an inspiration for thousands of others. Thank you for being real and thank you for being you. Much like Vic I to want to help people move from a dark cloud and make them the best version of themselves and will definitely be using the #selflovein6. I love getting comments and emails telling me I've helped them through my words. That's what I want from life because that's what being my version of successful is. Let's talk not only this week, but talk every day about our mental health, whether that's to a friend or a stranger there's a helpline for everyone. Who do you want to talk to? Not everyone finds they want to talk to a family member or friend that's what Childline and Samaritans are for. I fond it helps talking to my close friends and writing helps massively. In my role as a childline counsellor I always encourage young people to empty their mind by writing down everything that's in there. It might not make sense to read back but what's going on in their head might not make sense, but it's made clearer because their mind is clear. So do whatever you need to do to clear your mind, a problem shared is a problem halved. Find out whatever it is that releases those endorphins. It will all work out in the end. I've been thinking a lot lately, dangerous I know. But I've been thinking a lot and about a lot.
I didn't mean to take a two month break from writing, it's not like I haven't had the time I just haven't been writing. I've been thinking about where I want to take Ready Set Remission, I need it to move on from focusing on cancer, I can't focus exclusively on cancer myself. That doesn't mean I won't be writing about cancer ever again, fuck no it's still a massive part of my life, I'm allowing it to shape me into a better, stronger person because of it. I want to use my cancer to inspire and empower others. I want to use it to allow others to feel less lonely. I want to use it to show others cancer goes past chemotherapy and being clear of it. It's an illness that can take more than medical help to beat. But, I feel like for myself there's only so much I an talk about without bringing back too many traumatic memories. So, I've been pondering about blogging and writing and the differences between them. For me, blogging isn't me expressing myself, I suppose running and writing for a website is technically blogging. But calling it blogging is where I fell out of love with writing. Writing here, on this website, is my diary. It's my space to express myself. A few people have said that reading my words doesn't sound like me, they can't put my voice to my words. That's because I don't struggle talking about the things I write about. I struggle expressing the words I can easily write and I struggle with who I want to tell these words to. My spelling and grammar is terrible I know, I don't know where to use punctuation properly and most sentences probably don't make sense. I'm dyslexic but I love writing. So, back to the original point, where do I want to take my writing? I've been lucky to have support off cancer charities who've promoted my words and my website. With that comes lovely comments off people who can relate to my story which is everything I want with my writing. But then I began to panic at the thought of changing the subject of my words. What if I disappoint people who depend on my words about cancer? What if no one decides to read my words? I just become another blogger. It was this moment of panic that I stopped and thought who am I writing this for? Writing is therapeutic for me, I write for me. Of course I want to inspire and empower others and use this as a place where others can relate. But, overall my words are for me. When I write about empowering subjects it's because I need to hear those words. As I mentioned earlier, I'm better with writing than talking. It's interesting a massive thing that always comes up in my role as a young person's counsellor, is they always struggle with expressing themselves. Their heads are swirling with words they have no one to express to, they don't know how to speak their thoughts, This leads to over thinking ans can spiral into anxiety and depression. So I tell them to write everything down, it might not make sense and you might write down words you don't want to see but it helps. Queue me needing to take my advice and here is the final result. Writing clears my head, I write things I need to hear but like a few people said, my words don't have the same voice as me. Which brings me to the next thing I've been thinking about. Yesterday, my friend at the gym, who knows all about my cancer and knows I write and have a blog told me he still wanted to find it and read my words. I laughed it off "well you'll have to find it won't you". Much more polite and makes a lot more sense than "nope, no I'm not telling you my URL, I know I've only known you since after cancer but you know me as someone who doesn't jump on to the step who's very sarcastic". It's not that I don't want people who I know reading my blog it's just, I feel vulnerable when they do. Like I said, this is where I empty my head, write words I need to hear. Not a place where someone I didn't speak to in school can have a look at what cancer I had. I kept very quiet when I was having treatment, having cancer Isn't something to shout about, so it did come as a shock when news spread, very fast, and I did have comments by people who I've never spoke to or seen in 7 years tell me how brave I am, So I'm protective of myself, protective of my words. However, unlike the chemo, I don't hide this blog. It's in my personal twitter and instagram bios. If you want to read it you can, I'm just not going to shout about it. Now my friend at the gym, like I said he knows all about my cancer and know's what my body has been through, I was strongly advised to tell gym instructors about it for theirs and my own benefit. If he does happen to find it then hi mate! I don't mind if he does read it. But I'm very very good and making things seem easier than what they are, I don't like talking about fatigue or the fear of seeing my doctor, not that I think he'll tell me I have cancer again I just fucking hate talking so honestly about myself. My mind is a lot stronger and I like to tell people I'm doing better than not. When I was on treatment I'd put a face full of make up on covering up my paleness, dull eyes and thinning eyebrows and eyelashes, cover my thinning hair with a long blonde wig and make an effort to look nice. Not for anyone else but for me, so I couldn't see the effects cancer and chemo had on me. So when I looked in the mirror I saw a 21 year old not someone who's second home is a hospital. It actually makes me feel both happy and sad looking at pictures of me during treatment. Happy because look at that smiler not letting cancer beat her, look at her being with her friends embracing her new body enjoying being blonde. Sad because look at her, she has cancer and she's trying to smile, trying to be normal, look how much the cancer and the chemo has impacted her tiny body. That wig covering up barely there hair and all the make up. Only I know exactly what she looks like underneath that war paint. Only I knew. That blonde girl, that's me only I knew how she felt in those pictures. Only I saw what she looked like when the wig and the make up was off. Only I knew the torture that was chemo and what felt like endless vomiting and the weird physical pain that's not really painful but everything just hurts and can Thursday hurry up so I feel half human again. I want to protect everyone from knowing what chemo feels like, and with that came ignorance. Frustrating and cruel ignorance. If you're not going through cancer then it's easy to run away from. Trust me I know, I hated knowing my grandad was really ill with it so stuck my head in the sand and I regret doing that because now I know how lonely he must have felt. I've spoken to my nan about it and she understands every thought and feeling I have she tells me grandad understood. But I struggle with people's ignorance, I struggle with people running away when they should have been here. My friends I completely understand. At 21, we were all graduating and having fun. You're not supposed to have cancer at 21. It's scary I get it, I don;t blame you but no one was more scared than me. What I don't understand is actual grown ups who should be my role model running away. I feel like cancer has made me lose a lot. Lose things I shouldn't lose. I didn't lose this necessarily during treatment. Ignorance was a lot more clearer after treatment after I'd been told I'm cancer free and when I was supposed to be ok. I get it I thought I'd be ok as well. Before I started treatment and knew I'd be finished by August I thought great I'll be back in uni by September. Halfway through treatment I thought I can start uni in January. After treatment I knew I wasn't going back to uni. I had a big storm coming which dealt with a lot more than chemo. There was no pressure on me when I was on treatment, it was accepted that I was sick. But almost immediately after the last chemo there was a lot more "so are you going back to uni then?" "are you back at work yet?" "when are you moving back to London?". Not only was I trying to accept I had had cancer, I beat it, I'm now dealing with side affects no Macmillan leaflet warned me about, still looking every day at a bald head covered up with a blonde wig. But now there was the pressure of being normal again. No one had been through cancer, no one understood that cancer takes a long time to recover from. When you have a cold and it's mainly gone but you still feel a bit under the weather you still take that extra day in bed just to be on the safe side. So who really thinks that after 6 months of chemotherapy I'd be able to jump straight back into work? Now annoyingly, I have this thing of blaming myself for other people's ignorance. I know, I blame myself for other people choosing to not be interested in my time with cancer. Why? Because I covered up, no one saw me underneath the make up and wig, only my mum and dad came to chemo with me, they only seen me throw up in the hospital that one time when my dad caught me. I didn't make the big facebook announcement that I had cancer. I didn't understand myself the side affects I was going through. Yes I go the gym everyday and work bloody hard at it, push myself and probably do too much. Yes I went interrailing round Europe for three weeks, took a week long holiday to Barcelona and travelled through the Pyreness mountains and go on lots of city breaks, why not? I've got the time and I go at my own pace, I love experiencing new countries and new cultures no it has nothing to do with a new lease of life post cancer, yeas I'm still bloody tired. But lately I've realised something, the ones who've been the most ignorant? They don't want to know. They don't want to understand and because of this I don't know it's because they're scared or just don;t care. That hurts it hurts because some of these people used to be my biggest fan. It hurts because I give up with justifying myself, I know my body, me and my body have been through enough and we don't want to deal with ignorance anymore. One day there may come a time when their head comes out the sand but I might be doing my thing and over giving them a reason why. So I've been thinking a lot, and I'm trying to work out what's best for me. I write for me. It's ok if people I know want to read my words, I might not be comfortable with telling people what my website is called but it's easy to find it if you want to. I finally know that I don't need to justify myself, the ones who I want in my life will let me do my own thing at my own pace, if you can't understand why, I'm more than happy to talk about it. If you don't want to then please understand that I'm tired and only I know what my body has been through while you'e been off telling everyone how brave and strong I am and I don't like your ignorance so you can go if you want to. I'm ok, I'm getting stronger, the weights I lift tell me that, I love what I do. I beat cancer and I'm working hard at getting to my next chapter. I'm allowing myself to take time and not put extra pressure on me. I'm allowing me to be me. Aaaah millenials, we take a lot of shit! We're told our goals are too unrealistic and we're laughed at for believing in ourselves by a generation that voted for brexit and Donald Trump. But we're the generation that promotes equality, self love and freedom for everyone and I believe in us. We don't want to follow the path we want to make our own.
In the past I've been told my goals won't happen for me or I'm a girl I shouldn't like football and I'm sick of being told what to do by someone who genuinely believes a racist and misogynist man with a bad toupee and wears his foundation 5 shades too dark will make America great again. This is the generation that's going against everything our parents and grandparents ever done when they were our age. More and more women are choosing their careers over making babies, we won't take no for an answer, we have a purpose that's more than a 9-5. It's hard, it's really hard to keep this focus when the political world is telling us no, when we're fighting for our rights. It's hard to buy our own home, hard to finish uni and go straight in to a job that's linked to our degree. When we're working all the hours just to get by and still get called lazy. It's too easy to lose motivation and accept that life wants to keep us on the 9-5 treadmill. There are some who believe in us and call us Super Girl (thanks Cliff) some who tell us to run with our ideas, who accept us for who we are and the changes we're making and I respect that. We have to respect that if it wasn't for the suffragettes us UK ladies wouldn't have the right to vote. Generations before us fought for equality amongst the sexes and races and done a bloody good job of it. In wartime, it was the women who kept this country going taking over the jobs they weren't allowed to do. But it's up to us to take it one step further. During January I was a part of a Blogger Bootcamp ran by Claire at Styled Social Media. I invested in myself focused on improving my blog. Within the first week I came out determined to be a girl boss and with other ladies rooting for me. I was anxious about it, I didn't know what to expect or if I was ready for it, despite my aim to keep this blog as motivating and empowering as possible, I do struggle with self confidence and believing in myself. In the first week I was inspired by Naomi Jackson and her empowering brand Lawrenson. In a world where feminism has a blurred definition and different things empower different women it was nice to see a girl boss who believed in a girls inner beauty and the brains behind it. Overral, the best motivator where the girls who attended, these were girls who came with an idea in mind, an idea to make themselves heard and launch something that was there own, improve on what they've created or beginning a girl boss journey. You can guarantee that these girls had all been through different shit that made them the person who they are today, they've probably been knocked down and told no but here they were ready to push themselves to the next level. I loved the support of every girl, we all came with our own individual blogs but the focus felt like it wasn't on us, we would listen and support each other. Believe that we were girls who could take on the world. They all offered something different, I loved that I met Katie who also offered a similar blog focusing on her health and not letting it define her and pushing through when doctors have probably told her no and being an inspiration for her fellow ostomate's. We left with the idea to make shit happen and support each other while we're at it. That's the beauty of millenials, we listen to each other and we believe in each other and we don't take shit. The stats don't lie the older generation made a decision which would make it difficult for freedom between the borders and might have an impact on our basic human rights and if you don't believe that have a look at the EU law on human and animal rights. Your vote was more than just keeping refugees out but they kept that quiet during the leave campaign. I'm not clued up on US politics but from what I heard not many young people wanted Trump in power. We're living in a world were people are worried what their future holds for them, minorities are fearing for their lives. It can feel like the only thing millenials have control of is their own lives. Thank you older generations for potentially ruining our future before it's started. I do have respect for my parents and grandparents generations and we can learn a lot off them. My mum inspires me everyday with her ability to handle everything at once. She balances work with being a mum and a nan. She quietly handles things and doesn't expect praise for it. She was with me every step of the way during my fight with cancer and still is. She takes shit and comes back to make my day a little brighter. My nan is one of the few people who gets what I'm going through and is one of the best cooks. She learnt a lot at a young age, and I always learn a lot from her. My dad made me the sports lover I am today. The other day we were wearing the same England rugby top and he said we were twins and we are, when it comes to sport I can see a lot of myself in him. My Granddad is proud of the young lady I am and how I carry on when I don't have to. I take a lot of inspiration and motivation from generations before me. But it's us millenials that have to take it a step further and fuck the system up a bit. I have a one year old niece and I want to fight so she can live in a world where she never has to experience sexism. That she can come to me with big dreams and is confident in her ability to chase them irregardless of her gender or sexuality, a world were she isn't afraid to be who she truly is. We need to change because for a lot of young people there's still that fear, we've made massive progression but there's still room for change. Maybe as the older generations pass out that change will come naturally as millenials are a lot more accepting of difference and embrace everyone. But that's no excuse. We're a new generation and we have to use our voice, don't let ignorance get you down. Pick yourself up and go again. To my blogger bootcamp girls, thank you for being my motivation, thank you for believing in me and pushing me and making me work hard. To the older generation thank you for either believing or not believing in me, either way it's a motivation I know who I want to be because of you either being a role model or an ignorant tit. To the millenials, it's hard but we'e got this, we don't take shit and we carry on focusing on ourselves and supporting others. Life isn't an Instagram filter it's hard work, sweat and tears. It's people telling us no, putting us down but expecting everything in return. Taking praise when we're the ones who worked overtime to make it happen. Stand up for your rights and stand up for others. To my niece Amelia, as your auntie I will always fight for you to live in a world where you can be you and you accept others for being them. I want you to feel comfortable in your own skin and talk openly about everything. If your little 1 year old personality is anything to go by you are going to be one strong woman. We've got this, now lets kick ass. It was only a week since I had my final chemotherapy when I joined the gym. I hadn't even had my officially in remission scan but I was itching to recover and get stronger. For me, fitness has been essential for my recovery.
I hated the feeling of losing all control of my body when I had cancer, I couldn't eat a meal and I would struggle walking up the stairs. When I had chemo I would resemble a zombie both on the inside and outside. It still surprises me now how much of an impact on your body chemotherapy has and how it kills more than just cancer which is a bit naive really because if something can kill aggressive cancer it can kill anything. Just like anyone first joining the gym I felt intimidated not necessarily by the machines or the ripped people downing protein shakes similar to the way I down tequila. I was more intimidated by myself and what I'd been through. I was still wearing my wig and would be for the next 8 months. Do I exercise with my wig on? Or do I embrace my similar to a new born baby hair? What level of fitness is my body at after 6 months of chemotherapy? I started small and went to a few exercise classes and didn't think too much about weight training and yes I left my wig in the locker. I think the most important part of my fitness journey was telling the instructors that I'd had cancer and still recovering. It was the most important part because I never looked sick, who was to know? Instructors and personal trainers need to know if you have any injuries or illnesses but It's hard because you're focusing on getting stronger and moving on from cancer and want to be in a place where cancer isn't a part of your name. I gradually got a lot stronger and 4 months after chemo I ran (mostly walked) 5k for a Santa Run for Teens Unite. I felt more in control, chemo beat the cancer and now I was beating the side effects. I became obsessed with recovering, making myself fit and healthy, I've been rewarded with a second chance at life and need to do my best to make sure it's a fulfilled and healthy one. By Christmas I was told I had fluid building up around my heart and needed heart MRI's on top of all my other scans. I was told one of the ways that would help this would be surgery and in the mean time look after my body. My cancer doctor told me to ease off on the gym, my heart doctor told me "since when has cardio been bad for your heart?" I had been through almost a year of doctors thinking they know my body best, I allowed them because I had cancer and needed to be cured. Now I was in a cancer free state with a heart problem and getting mixed messages. It was time for me to look after me and focus on what was best for me and my body. It was this moment that set up the mentality I have today when I go into the gym. Everyone has an opinion on what your body should be doing, not everyone has your back but you don't need their approval, fuck me queen you were strong enough to beat cancer when you were at your weakest, you've got this champ. Fast forward a year to January 2017, I'm working out 5 times a week which includes hiit and weight training and I'm back in the doctors office for the latest heart MRI results. The liquid around my heart had started to clear it was a very fit heart. I'd done it and I'd done it by myself. I accepted that I would eventually need heart surgery and didn't think about fixing it by myself but through eating right and training heart I'd somehow began to fix my heart. Despite the miracle of the heart and seeing physical changes and results, I've realised when I'm working out I don't do it for these reasons I do it for my mental health. My mental health has been battered by cancer and starting off my 20's with cancer, accepting that it happened to me and not understanding why. Having to drop my whole life that I worked hard for to come home and face this shit storm. Trying to drop that why me victim idea but accepting that I've fallen behind with my life plan and been thrown a massive life changing curve ball. It effects me mentally when people can't accept that despite going the gym everyday I'm still unwell. That's why I try to do most of my workouts in the morning, it's not because that's when my favourite classes are on or because I have the time too it's because I get that release of endorphin's. I'm ready to take on the day I'm motivated and determined. I'm in love with how much it can help me mentally. I feel in control. One thing I need to improve on as well as lifting that heavy bar over my head, is listening to my body, I do sometimes go to far and do too much but I love that positive energy, I love trying new things and seeing the progression I've made. I love knowing that I've got this. But everyone's different, I feel fitness and the gym has helped my recovery a lot but that's because I'm in love with the place. It's so important to find something you love and something that helps you mentally and physically. In the back of my mind is always my doctor telling me my body shouldn't be able to do this that's why I encourage anyone in remission to take control of their body. Be proud of it and everything it has gone through. It can be the worst feeling in the world when your body can no longer do something before cancer destroyed it. When you're 22 years old but feel weaker than a 72 year old. It was actually yesterday that my body told me no weight training today but today it told me to smash it and with the help of a broken air conditioning I sweated all that negative energy out. I love fitness, I love my new mentality of pushing my body to the limit, I love that I've found what works best for my body and have a routine that suits me. Cancer, you messed with the wrong girl and this girl can lift heavy, she can lead by example she's got this and she's ready to go further. She started off small now she's playing with the big weights and no longer picks up the phone while exercising, she's in the zone and fighting off anything negative and proving she's stronger than that. I finished chemotherapy 18 months ago but I still suffer everyday with chronic side effects. They've become a part of my life and I've worked at not curing them myself but at least being able to manage them especially my fatigue.
When you're desperately ill you do anything to find something that helps and for me I have found that exercising daily and eating healthily does help and probably has helped a lot more than I realised as when I finished treatment it was something that I bounced straight into to try and get my appetite back and feel a bit more normal. But there are some days when my fatigue defeats me. I've become really good at listening to my body and really starting to respect it and respect what it's been through. My body has been through an aggressive form of cancer and even more aggressive chemotherapy. It's been through operations and endless scans and needles. The least I can do is treat it the best way I can and listen to it when it needs a break. The latter part I do struggle with, I'm really pushing to be my version of normal and I suffer more if I sleep in during the week. But at least once a week I have to actually shout at myself and realise I am still in recovery. I always set an alarm during the week and I'm usually in the gym by 9AM. I get huge mental benefits by going the gym in the morning and get that energy rush and am able to get on with the day but by mid afternoon I crash and it's nap time. BY having CFS means I'm tired all the time, yes there are some days when I don't need to nap but trust me I;m always tired. The tiredness is consistent there are days when it physically hurts more but I'm always a level of tiredness which is indescribable. Today was one of those worse days, I done my usual went the gym, picked up milk for mum but by midday I was struggling to sit up. When I have to nap it's not because I'm tired and I can, it's because it hurts and I literally can't stay awake and I hate it. I fucking hate it. I hate it because I will have a plan set out for the day to make me feel productive like I'm actually useful and things that will make me feel better and more organised. But if I nap I almost never get everything done. When I nap I never set an alarm I let my body rest for how long it needs to that might be an hour and some days it might stretch to three days. The worst is when I can't actually sleep but my body just needs to lie down and I need to be in complete silence. Napping is something I can't plan around and when I wake up just as tired you might be able to understand why it gets so exhausting. Being chronically unwell is something that can't be cured with chemo or anything, It's something that's supposed to get better with time. I was told between a year and a half and it will get better. The last time I saw my consultant I mentioned it to him and he was surprised, he thought I should be over it by now. I really hate consultants, they're too clever in their own field and sometimes you just need a bit of empathy, The reasons I were told that I should be over it by now were actually a little bit hilarious. He said I shouldn't be fatigued because of my age and fitness. I agree no 22 year old should be chronically exhausted but no 20 year old should get cancer but that happened. I don't think my level of fitness has much to do with it either because I joined the gym a week after finishing chemo, I've got a lot more stronger and probably in the best shape I've ever been but that tiredness hasn't changed. At least my nurse was there to mention that everyone is different and it's OK. But it was a gentle reminder that not everyone think's chronic illnesses even exist, I've took a lot of shit off people who I could never imagine being so against me with this. It's heartbreaking when people who were on your side during the chemo struggle to accept that you're still suffering. Despite being able to squat 25kg, my mind is so much stronger than my body I push myself to the limit and refuse to be defined by my tiredness or anything that has physically happened to me. That doesn't mean I'm still suffering, I will go to Barcelona for a week and I will go interrailing round Europe for three weeks. Why? Because I'm alive, because I want to and I'm lucky enough that I'm able to. But you best believe that I'll be struggling throughout it all. All I ask for is just an understanding, an understanding that I'm very tired I listen to my body but if it's something I want to do I will push myself. Ask me how I'm feeling suggest maybe having a sit down and get a coffee before we carry on. Don't force me and don't tell me how I'm feeling. As horrible as it can be I understand It's a small price to pay and if someone told me I have a choice either die of cancer when you're 20 or survive it but be painfully tired everyday, I'mm put up with the tiredness and I do need to remind myself that. There are so many people fighting chronic and invisible illnesses and we may never get to know what a person is going through so be kind, show empathy and talk openly about how you're feeling it's hard but you're not alone. If you too suffer with CFS then please feel free to contact me and talk to me about it but if you're struggling with explaining it to others then I found the Spoon Theory was perfect to describe how I was feeling and also helped me understand it more myself. So yesterday was World Cancer Day! A day for everyone affected by cancer to unite and to raise awareness of cancer and what it means to everyone confronted by it.
I'll be honest I'm still in that denial bubble where if I see a cancer charity advert on the television I'll switch off immediately. I understand how much awareness it's creating but I can't sit through the advert for Macmillan's Not Alone campaign. It's perfect that it raises awareness that cancer patients are never alone and so important to raise this awareness as it's the one thing every cancer patient feels. However, it hits a raw nerve with me. You'll Never Walk Alone is also Liverpool FC's song. Football is very important to me, my whole world turned upside down but the one and only thing that remained the same was sport and my love for it especially Liverpool. Before I started treatment I couldn't sit up for more than a couple of minutes but I insisted on sitting up in a stadium for 2 hours. When Liverpool play Man United the crows insists on standing for the whole match, it was a living torture but I couldn't miss such a big match. It was at this match that I properly understood what You'll Never Walk Alone meant. It meant walking through a cancer storm with my head held high, I wasn't alone and there's a positive ending. Also, that feeling that I was at the match watching something I've loved since I could probably walk. That song was my association with cancer and making it through and like I said earlier it's too close to home saying that I think it's such a strong and powerful campaign by Macmillan and hope it has raised awareness of the lonely side of cancer. It's when I see adverts like this that make me think I've made no progression with getting over cancer and moving on but yesterday World Cancer Day and my posts on Instagram to acknowledge that day reminded me just how much progression I have made. I was first made aware of world cancer day in 2015 just a month after I was diagnosed and yet to start treatment. In June 2014, I lost my Granddad to cancer and was still dealing with accepting he's gone. I posted a picture of my wearing a Cancer Research unity band and a picture of me as a child with my Granddad. The picture represented me as a lone fighter and me still mourning the loss of Granddad. At this point I had no idea what chemotherapy would be like or the amazing opportunities I was to receive. Fast forward to 2016 and I was 4 months out of treatment and in remission and had so much support by charities such as Teens Unite, Teenage Cancer Trust and Clic Sargent. I had made friends with other cancer fighters my age and felt I had to give something back to the charities. The pictures posted on Instagram where of me giving a speech at the Teens Unite ball, with everyone I'd met through this charity and at a Clic Sargent music workshop in Scotland. This post wasn't about me it was about the charities that help support patients so much and do so much for cancer patients giving them unreal opportunities. Honestly, I'm still coming to terms with the fact I could share my story in front of my childhood hero Lewis Moody. Imagine telling 9 year old me watching England win the Rugby World Cup that you'd be sharing your story with one of the legends on the pitch. In a year I'd done things I could never imagine I'd be doing at 20 and 21 years old. 2017 and while my Clic Sargent social worker and Teens Unite are still a massive support for me I've realised I've gone out there and made myself physically and mentally stronger. The picture was taken a few days before world cancer day and I didn't mean for it to be used for my cancer day post. It was of one of me at the gym wearing matching Nike gloves and trainers, I took it to post on Snapchat as one of them gym people that we all know and hate. But I noticed it had my tattoo with the date I was diagnosed in the picture and I loved it because it shows how much I've come on physically, I'm so much physically stronger than I have been on previous world cancer days and my tattoo is always there to remind me that even though I couldn't sit up, being diagnosed with cancer automatically made me stronger than any weights I lift. I feel that while I will never let my cancer define me I will allow it to shape me and shape what I decide to do in the future it's a part of me in a good way. It's not my weakness it's my motivation, it's a sign of my strength and a sign that I survived it and even though progress can be slow that's ok. Cancer for me is a bitch that doesn't care who it hits or who it takes, It can attack you whenever it wants, it doesn't care if you're in your last year of university or first year of school. It doesn't care if you've got young children or you're not old enough for it. So us humans need to face it head on and it's ok to not feel strong enough to do this we deserve support and reassurance that charities will have our backs and face it with us. Whether affected directly or via a friend or family member, we will all be affected by cancer. We might need to have chemotherapy or hold the hand of someone having it. We all need to group together and fight it. My fight with cancer made me the unluckiest person because I was only 20 years old when I was diagnosed, I had to drop everything I worked hard for before it and have struggled to get back to reality since I've lost friends and lost trust with others because of it but I choose to see myself as a lucky one. Mainly because my cancer was curable and the cure was straight forward just 12 rounds of torturous chemotherapy. It was horrific but I survived it. I had amazing support off Teens Unite, Clic Sargent and Teenage Cancer Trust. I've had time to decide what I actually want to do with my life, I've got a new perspective on everything and admire anyone who stood by me and continues to stand by me today. Day to day I can't see the progression and there are days when It's hard it's hard to get up and get motivated and do life but I've made a lot of progression. I'm bloody strong. Cancer will always live with me but for the right reasons, I'm excited to use World Cancer Day for me personally to see my own progression year to year and raise awareness that cancer is a thing. Don't shy away from it fight against it for yourself and for everyone else. We've allowed some questionable people and certain votes to stand, surely we can't let this one win. |