Every week I tell young people struggling with things that are going against them, their mental health and general wellness to write down their thoughts and feelings, empty their head it'll make them feel a lot better. I tell my friends to take some time for themselves, focus on what makes them feel good to not get caught up in the boring 9-5 treadmill or become a sheep. I'm Melissa and I'm really good at giving advice and really shit at taking my own advice.
This week I got some really shit news effectively going along the lines of "you don't look sick so you mustn't be sick". In a world where we're trying to break the stigma around invisible illnesses we have health professionals spouting that shit. Now, I have good support and it'll be sorted one way or the other but it was a reminder that actually it's quite hard facing adversity, not because it's hard facing something that's quickly and strongly going against us but because it's almost as if it's not OK to take a moment to have a pity party and feel fucking shit about it. Instead of telling someone to get up because they're stronger than quitting ask them what's happened to make them want to quit, have empathy not sympathy. When I got that shit news I took a day to process it and allowed myself to feel shit because I was allowed to and I'm in control of my thoughts and feelings. It's the day after and I'm over the pity party, I know what I need to do next, take a deep breath and say it's a bad day not a bad life. But what was important for me to get here and see the big picture was allowing that time to grieve and I think it's important to call it grieving. To grieve is, according to the Oxford dictionary, to feel intense sorrow. To grieve isn't exclusive to coping with death. I was watching This Morning yesterday and I went from "you go queen" to "oh god honey no" there was a young girl who sat her GCSE's hours after losing her home in the Grenfell fire. She done amazing and she allowed herself to cry after sitting her exams but what hit me the most was when she said "if you want something, you'll get it". I'm not blaming they young lady for saying this but in this moment I couldn't help but think about the other Grenfell survivors watching this who felt they couldn't carry on with what was expected of them, of family members of those who lost their lives in that fire who still feel like they can't carry on. What that young lady done was right for her and she's still a queen for doing so well and I'm not picking on her I'm picking at the message of if you want something you'll go get it, that not simply getting up and carrying on immediately makes you weaker than those who did. Breaking stigma's is a good start, talking about the times when we weren't ok is a good start. Carrying on like nothing has happened is fine if that's how you feel. Acknowledging that you need time to accept something shit even accept it as unfair and shouldn't have happened to you is fine . No the world doesn't owe you a favour, it can be cruel and unfair, decisions beyond our control can hurt us. Don't think allowing the pain and hurt makes you weak. There are no right or wrong ways to coping with shit times, one size doesn't fit all. If you need to cry about something don't allow someone to tell you you're better than your tears. One thing you're in control of are your thoughts and feelings, just as long as you get to that stage yourself that you're better than whatever's fucked you over. I had a pity party yesterday I asked myself why always me? Why am I the queen of bad luck? How does the world expect me to be strong enough to fight this one? I cried, I felt shit all day. Then I slept, woke up the next day and done my usual Friday morning routine. It still feels shit but it feels a lot clearer with what I have to do next. Everyone will have this feeling, it's normal and I think going through a shit time and processing it the way we need to leads to bringing out the best in people. I'm definitely a lot more empathetic. I understand that the way you look has no impact on how someone feels or what's going on inside. If you want something you can go get it, time's a concept do it when it feels right for you and if you are having a rough time you're still strong and brave and accepting you for who you are and how you accept rocky times won't ever change that.
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