I've always been very contrary, you tell me I can't do something and I'll do it. It gets me in to trouble, it's the wrong decision or occasionally it's the same as sticking two fingers up and proving everyone wrong and actually I can do something.
I'm not sure why but this week my queen's crown has been firmly in place, like I've got a new motivation. It could be because I've stated a bloggers bootcamp which has made me really excited about where I can take my blog. Maybe it's because finally I'm playing with the big girl weights and achieved one of my long term weight goals before I expected to. Either way something has happened this week and it's made me evaluate everything! One of the hardest parts of being in your early 20's is change. Change sucks balls! Or, it might be the best thing for us, either way it happens and we have to adapt to it and that can take a while. Despite our different views on brexit and Donald Trump I think the world has pretty much agreed that 2016 was pretty shit. Not for me personally I ticked off a lot of achievements, but the world is changing massively the UK fucked up and voted us to leave the EU, America fucked up by electing a reality tv star with no political experience as president and essentially world leader. How has he managed that when for young starters we have to have about 20 years relevant experience for a job we don't even really want? everyone has a right to be scared about these changes. I'm scared for America,I'm scared for minorities in America. This week I read that America is seriously debating women's right for abortion. Seriously? America is one of the worlds leading countries, the opportunity for freedom and here it is debating basic human rights? It's easy to play the victim and admit the worlds gone to shit and we're all fucked but why should we? Seriously why are we still allowing people to tell us what to do or how to live? Why aren't we in control of our own lives and making decisions for us? There are only two things that we know are definitely going to happen, number one we're all going to die and number two, we're stuck with being us for the rest of our lives, everyone can come and go but we're going to be the same and we're only here once. We deserve to love ourselves and work hard to do what we want and be the best version of ourselves. But here we are standing up for our basic human rights. Massive things can change us and if anyone genuinely thinks having cancer wouldn't change me then I would highly recommend going to see your doctor and tell them you've got your head stuck up your arse and are suffering from the made side effect of ignorance. Over the past two years it has changed me in some ways for the worse but in some ways the better. I'm 22 and I have days when I worry cancer will come back, I worry about opening letters from the hospital, I allow my exhaustion to take over me some days and allow it to take over my mood. It's ok it's cool to allow shit days some days as long as there's more good days. I didn't realise it at the time but a lot of 'friends' didn't want to know me during this time and that's ok because cancer is fucking scary, the easy option is to stay away I don't hold that against anyone. However, if you genuinely think I don't still suffer from daily side effects and it will have a massive impact on every decision I make and if you genuinely think I'm going to go back to how I used to be then with all my love and support go and fuck yourself. Despite my many bad days I have good days we're I'm genuinely convinced I'm some kind of queen, I appreciate anyone who lets me go at my own pace and allows me to do what's best for my body, I appreciate anyone who doesn't allow me to play the victim and tells me to go further than I ever have, I appreciate those who accept that my mind is stronger than my body and gives me a helping hand despite me insisting I'm fit enough. It's weird getting cancer at 20, it's not supposed to happen, surely I was too young? Says who though? Did the king of Cancer exclusively say "we're only going for old people who are past their expiration date anyway" no he did not mainly cause cancer isn't a human it's a disease and it'll get anyone it'a not aware if it's going for a 90 year old or 9 month old. It goes against what society tells us about cancer. So that made me think why do we ever go with what society tells us to do? Why are we programmed to go with what everyone else is doing. For once can't we do something for ourselves even if that means doing something no ones ever done before? For the first time I'm ignoring what everyone thinks I should be doing and asking myself what I want. It's left me feeling motivated and empowered. I've started doing more weight training and my mind has held me back from going heavier because I'm recovering from cancer surely I can't lift the same as other girls. But my trainer pushed me, she told me I can do it so I tried and I could. I'm lifting heavier than I ever have done and my doctor hates me for it, but I know my body better than anyone else and I love being able to lift heavy. I love following other ladies who are determined to fuck the system and be strong. Recently I bought 'Strong' by Zanna Van Dijk which I highly recommend to anyone who's wanting to get fit. She comes in and destroys any ideas you've had about fat and carbs, teaches you about nutrition, exercises and recipes that are more than a skinny salad. Even better it's currently £5.99 on Amazon. I'll probably do another blog on other empowering ladies I look up to. I get empowered by seeing strength in women physically, some say women shouldn't be muscular some are empowered than seeing Kimmy K drop her nudes, some fucking hate that and think she should cover up and set an example to her daughter. It's interesting this new wave of feminism because it's nothing like feminism in the past. my view of feminism is that's it is personal to everyone whether you're a man or a woman. If you want to be a girl boss, if you want to lift more than that man next to you who keeps hogging the bench or if you want to stay at home, look after your kids cook and bake away, You bloody well go for it! Let us live, let us have our own personal goals and let's support each other while we're smashing them. Nothing makes me sadder than when someone especially a girl says they can't do something because someone especially if it's their boyfriend told them not too. Fuck that! Cut them, cut the toxic shit out your life, live for you! Make time for yourself and do what you need to do to be your best self. With all that happened to me the past couple years I made a decision that being distracted by boys was out the question, relationships are hard work and demand being selfless and compromise. I couldn't be selfless, I needed and still need to put myself first. I need to focus on me and my recovery. It'd be unfair of me to bring someone into my current rollercoaster life and I advise anyone else to have a look at their lives and ask is a partner adding to that in a healthy way are they allowing me to be the best version of me. A relationship needs to be a perk not essential to life. You're actually alright on your own. The same I've noticed lately is with friendships, everyone deserves to have friends who bring them up not tear them down. As I mentioned earlier, this is the time for change and at our age sometimes peoples personality changes from a best friend to a complete stranger and this sucks balls. Work with what's best for you just because you have happy memories with them from high school does not mean you have to accept their shitty behaviour. Get out that toxic shit, it's not healthy and you're the only one suffering. Without my agreement cancer stripped me from everything and I'm building myself up slowly and I'm getting to know me a bit more and it's the best, it can be bloody hard but I'm seeing that it's working. I'm very lucky to have a family that has my back I have loyal friends who are understanding, help me when I need to be helped and bring out the best in me. I'm pushing myself further in the gym and I'm very happy with the work I do and help others. Take some time for yourself think about what you really want from this life, embrace the shot and don't let anyone tell you no if it's going to bring you down. The political world is probably going to bend us over and fuck us up anyway so lets have each others back and stand up to the shit storm. Lets have fun and cut the toxic shite and be an example for all. We've got this.
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