Aaaah millenials, we take a lot of shit! We're told our goals are too unrealistic and we're laughed at for believing in ourselves by a generation that voted for brexit and Donald Trump. But we're the generation that promotes equality, self love and freedom for everyone and I believe in us. We don't want to follow the path we want to make our own.
In the past I've been told my goals won't happen for me or I'm a girl I shouldn't like football and I'm sick of being told what to do by someone who genuinely believes a racist and misogynist man with a bad toupee and wears his foundation 5 shades too dark will make America great again. This is the generation that's going against everything our parents and grandparents ever done when they were our age. More and more women are choosing their careers over making babies, we won't take no for an answer, we have a purpose that's more than a 9-5. It's hard, it's really hard to keep this focus when the political world is telling us no, when we're fighting for our rights. It's hard to buy our own home, hard to finish uni and go straight in to a job that's linked to our degree. When we're working all the hours just to get by and still get called lazy. It's too easy to lose motivation and accept that life wants to keep us on the 9-5 treadmill. There are some who believe in us and call us Super Girl (thanks Cliff) some who tell us to run with our ideas, who accept us for who we are and the changes we're making and I respect that. We have to respect that if it wasn't for the suffragettes us UK ladies wouldn't have the right to vote. Generations before us fought for equality amongst the sexes and races and done a bloody good job of it. In wartime, it was the women who kept this country going taking over the jobs they weren't allowed to do. But it's up to us to take it one step further. During January I was a part of a Blogger Bootcamp ran by Claire at Styled Social Media. I invested in myself focused on improving my blog. Within the first week I came out determined to be a girl boss and with other ladies rooting for me. I was anxious about it, I didn't know what to expect or if I was ready for it, despite my aim to keep this blog as motivating and empowering as possible, I do struggle with self confidence and believing in myself. In the first week I was inspired by Naomi Jackson and her empowering brand Lawrenson. In a world where feminism has a blurred definition and different things empower different women it was nice to see a girl boss who believed in a girls inner beauty and the brains behind it. Overral, the best motivator where the girls who attended, these were girls who came with an idea in mind, an idea to make themselves heard and launch something that was there own, improve on what they've created or beginning a girl boss journey. You can guarantee that these girls had all been through different shit that made them the person who they are today, they've probably been knocked down and told no but here they were ready to push themselves to the next level. I loved the support of every girl, we all came with our own individual blogs but the focus felt like it wasn't on us, we would listen and support each other. Believe that we were girls who could take on the world. They all offered something different, I loved that I met Katie who also offered a similar blog focusing on her health and not letting it define her and pushing through when doctors have probably told her no and being an inspiration for her fellow ostomate's. We left with the idea to make shit happen and support each other while we're at it. That's the beauty of millenials, we listen to each other and we believe in each other and we don't take shit. The stats don't lie the older generation made a decision which would make it difficult for freedom between the borders and might have an impact on our basic human rights and if you don't believe that have a look at the EU law on human and animal rights. Your vote was more than just keeping refugees out but they kept that quiet during the leave campaign. I'm not clued up on US politics but from what I heard not many young people wanted Trump in power. We're living in a world were people are worried what their future holds for them, minorities are fearing for their lives. It can feel like the only thing millenials have control of is their own lives. Thank you older generations for potentially ruining our future before it's started. I do have respect for my parents and grandparents generations and we can learn a lot off them. My mum inspires me everyday with her ability to handle everything at once. She balances work with being a mum and a nan. She quietly handles things and doesn't expect praise for it. She was with me every step of the way during my fight with cancer and still is. She takes shit and comes back to make my day a little brighter. My nan is one of the few people who gets what I'm going through and is one of the best cooks. She learnt a lot at a young age, and I always learn a lot from her. My dad made me the sports lover I am today. The other day we were wearing the same England rugby top and he said we were twins and we are, when it comes to sport I can see a lot of myself in him. My Granddad is proud of the young lady I am and how I carry on when I don't have to. I take a lot of inspiration and motivation from generations before me. But it's us millenials that have to take it a step further and fuck the system up a bit. I have a one year old niece and I want to fight so she can live in a world where she never has to experience sexism. That she can come to me with big dreams and is confident in her ability to chase them irregardless of her gender or sexuality, a world were she isn't afraid to be who she truly is. We need to change because for a lot of young people there's still that fear, we've made massive progression but there's still room for change. Maybe as the older generations pass out that change will come naturally as millenials are a lot more accepting of difference and embrace everyone. But that's no excuse. We're a new generation and we have to use our voice, don't let ignorance get you down. Pick yourself up and go again. To my blogger bootcamp girls, thank you for being my motivation, thank you for believing in me and pushing me and making me work hard. To the older generation thank you for either believing or not believing in me, either way it's a motivation I know who I want to be because of you either being a role model or an ignorant tit. To the millenials, it's hard but we'e got this, we don't take shit and we carry on focusing on ourselves and supporting others. Life isn't an Instagram filter it's hard work, sweat and tears. It's people telling us no, putting us down but expecting everything in return. Taking praise when we're the ones who worked overtime to make it happen. Stand up for your rights and stand up for others. To my niece Amelia, as your auntie I will always fight for you to live in a world where you can be you and you accept others for being them. I want you to feel comfortable in your own skin and talk openly about everything. If your little 1 year old personality is anything to go by you are going to be one strong woman. We've got this, now lets kick ass.
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It was only a week since I had my final chemotherapy when I joined the gym. I hadn't even had my officially in remission scan but I was itching to recover and get stronger. For me, fitness has been essential for my recovery.
I hated the feeling of losing all control of my body when I had cancer, I couldn't eat a meal and I would struggle walking up the stairs. When I had chemo I would resemble a zombie both on the inside and outside. It still surprises me now how much of an impact on your body chemotherapy has and how it kills more than just cancer which is a bit naive really because if something can kill aggressive cancer it can kill anything. Just like anyone first joining the gym I felt intimidated not necessarily by the machines or the ripped people downing protein shakes similar to the way I down tequila. I was more intimidated by myself and what I'd been through. I was still wearing my wig and would be for the next 8 months. Do I exercise with my wig on? Or do I embrace my similar to a new born baby hair? What level of fitness is my body at after 6 months of chemotherapy? I started small and went to a few exercise classes and didn't think too much about weight training and yes I left my wig in the locker. I think the most important part of my fitness journey was telling the instructors that I'd had cancer and still recovering. It was the most important part because I never looked sick, who was to know? Instructors and personal trainers need to know if you have any injuries or illnesses but It's hard because you're focusing on getting stronger and moving on from cancer and want to be in a place where cancer isn't a part of your name. I gradually got a lot stronger and 4 months after chemo I ran (mostly walked) 5k for a Santa Run for Teens Unite. I felt more in control, chemo beat the cancer and now I was beating the side effects. I became obsessed with recovering, making myself fit and healthy, I've been rewarded with a second chance at life and need to do my best to make sure it's a fulfilled and healthy one. By Christmas I was told I had fluid building up around my heart and needed heart MRI's on top of all my other scans. I was told one of the ways that would help this would be surgery and in the mean time look after my body. My cancer doctor told me to ease off on the gym, my heart doctor told me "since when has cardio been bad for your heart?" I had been through almost a year of doctors thinking they know my body best, I allowed them because I had cancer and needed to be cured. Now I was in a cancer free state with a heart problem and getting mixed messages. It was time for me to look after me and focus on what was best for me and my body. It was this moment that set up the mentality I have today when I go into the gym. Everyone has an opinion on what your body should be doing, not everyone has your back but you don't need their approval, fuck me queen you were strong enough to beat cancer when you were at your weakest, you've got this champ. Fast forward a year to January 2017, I'm working out 5 times a week which includes hiit and weight training and I'm back in the doctors office for the latest heart MRI results. The liquid around my heart had started to clear it was a very fit heart. I'd done it and I'd done it by myself. I accepted that I would eventually need heart surgery and didn't think about fixing it by myself but through eating right and training heart I'd somehow began to fix my heart. Despite the miracle of the heart and seeing physical changes and results, I've realised when I'm working out I don't do it for these reasons I do it for my mental health. My mental health has been battered by cancer and starting off my 20's with cancer, accepting that it happened to me and not understanding why. Having to drop my whole life that I worked hard for to come home and face this shit storm. Trying to drop that why me victim idea but accepting that I've fallen behind with my life plan and been thrown a massive life changing curve ball. It effects me mentally when people can't accept that despite going the gym everyday I'm still unwell. That's why I try to do most of my workouts in the morning, it's not because that's when my favourite classes are on or because I have the time too it's because I get that release of endorphin's. I'm ready to take on the day I'm motivated and determined. I'm in love with how much it can help me mentally. I feel in control. One thing I need to improve on as well as lifting that heavy bar over my head, is listening to my body, I do sometimes go to far and do too much but I love that positive energy, I love trying new things and seeing the progression I've made. I love knowing that I've got this. But everyone's different, I feel fitness and the gym has helped my recovery a lot but that's because I'm in love with the place. It's so important to find something you love and something that helps you mentally and physically. In the back of my mind is always my doctor telling me my body shouldn't be able to do this that's why I encourage anyone in remission to take control of their body. Be proud of it and everything it has gone through. It can be the worst feeling in the world when your body can no longer do something before cancer destroyed it. When you're 22 years old but feel weaker than a 72 year old. It was actually yesterday that my body told me no weight training today but today it told me to smash it and with the help of a broken air conditioning I sweated all that negative energy out. I love fitness, I love my new mentality of pushing my body to the limit, I love that I've found what works best for my body and have a routine that suits me. Cancer, you messed with the wrong girl and this girl can lift heavy, she can lead by example she's got this and she's ready to go further. She started off small now she's playing with the big weights and no longer picks up the phone while exercising, she's in the zone and fighting off anything negative and proving she's stronger than that. I finished chemotherapy 18 months ago but I still suffer everyday with chronic side effects. They've become a part of my life and I've worked at not curing them myself but at least being able to manage them especially my fatigue.
When you're desperately ill you do anything to find something that helps and for me I have found that exercising daily and eating healthily does help and probably has helped a lot more than I realised as when I finished treatment it was something that I bounced straight into to try and get my appetite back and feel a bit more normal. But there are some days when my fatigue defeats me. I've become really good at listening to my body and really starting to respect it and respect what it's been through. My body has been through an aggressive form of cancer and even more aggressive chemotherapy. It's been through operations and endless scans and needles. The least I can do is treat it the best way I can and listen to it when it needs a break. The latter part I do struggle with, I'm really pushing to be my version of normal and I suffer more if I sleep in during the week. But at least once a week I have to actually shout at myself and realise I am still in recovery. I always set an alarm during the week and I'm usually in the gym by 9AM. I get huge mental benefits by going the gym in the morning and get that energy rush and am able to get on with the day but by mid afternoon I crash and it's nap time. BY having CFS means I'm tired all the time, yes there are some days when I don't need to nap but trust me I;m always tired. The tiredness is consistent there are days when it physically hurts more but I'm always a level of tiredness which is indescribable. Today was one of those worse days, I done my usual went the gym, picked up milk for mum but by midday I was struggling to sit up. When I have to nap it's not because I'm tired and I can, it's because it hurts and I literally can't stay awake and I hate it. I fucking hate it. I hate it because I will have a plan set out for the day to make me feel productive like I'm actually useful and things that will make me feel better and more organised. But if I nap I almost never get everything done. When I nap I never set an alarm I let my body rest for how long it needs to that might be an hour and some days it might stretch to three days. The worst is when I can't actually sleep but my body just needs to lie down and I need to be in complete silence. Napping is something I can't plan around and when I wake up just as tired you might be able to understand why it gets so exhausting. Being chronically unwell is something that can't be cured with chemo or anything, It's something that's supposed to get better with time. I was told between a year and a half and it will get better. The last time I saw my consultant I mentioned it to him and he was surprised, he thought I should be over it by now. I really hate consultants, they're too clever in their own field and sometimes you just need a bit of empathy, The reasons I were told that I should be over it by now were actually a little bit hilarious. He said I shouldn't be fatigued because of my age and fitness. I agree no 22 year old should be chronically exhausted but no 20 year old should get cancer but that happened. I don't think my level of fitness has much to do with it either because I joined the gym a week after finishing chemo, I've got a lot more stronger and probably in the best shape I've ever been but that tiredness hasn't changed. At least my nurse was there to mention that everyone is different and it's OK. But it was a gentle reminder that not everyone think's chronic illnesses even exist, I've took a lot of shit off people who I could never imagine being so against me with this. It's heartbreaking when people who were on your side during the chemo struggle to accept that you're still suffering. Despite being able to squat 25kg, my mind is so much stronger than my body I push myself to the limit and refuse to be defined by my tiredness or anything that has physically happened to me. That doesn't mean I'm still suffering, I will go to Barcelona for a week and I will go interrailing round Europe for three weeks. Why? Because I'm alive, because I want to and I'm lucky enough that I'm able to. But you best believe that I'll be struggling throughout it all. All I ask for is just an understanding, an understanding that I'm very tired I listen to my body but if it's something I want to do I will push myself. Ask me how I'm feeling suggest maybe having a sit down and get a coffee before we carry on. Don't force me and don't tell me how I'm feeling. As horrible as it can be I understand It's a small price to pay and if someone told me I have a choice either die of cancer when you're 20 or survive it but be painfully tired everyday, I'mm put up with the tiredness and I do need to remind myself that. There are so many people fighting chronic and invisible illnesses and we may never get to know what a person is going through so be kind, show empathy and talk openly about how you're feeling it's hard but you're not alone. If you too suffer with CFS then please feel free to contact me and talk to me about it but if you're struggling with explaining it to others then I found the Spoon Theory was perfect to describe how I was feeling and also helped me understand it more myself. So yesterday was World Cancer Day! A day for everyone affected by cancer to unite and to raise awareness of cancer and what it means to everyone confronted by it.
I'll be honest I'm still in that denial bubble where if I see a cancer charity advert on the television I'll switch off immediately. I understand how much awareness it's creating but I can't sit through the advert for Macmillan's Not Alone campaign. It's perfect that it raises awareness that cancer patients are never alone and so important to raise this awareness as it's the one thing every cancer patient feels. However, it hits a raw nerve with me. You'll Never Walk Alone is also Liverpool FC's song. Football is very important to me, my whole world turned upside down but the one and only thing that remained the same was sport and my love for it especially Liverpool. Before I started treatment I couldn't sit up for more than a couple of minutes but I insisted on sitting up in a stadium for 2 hours. When Liverpool play Man United the crows insists on standing for the whole match, it was a living torture but I couldn't miss such a big match. It was at this match that I properly understood what You'll Never Walk Alone meant. It meant walking through a cancer storm with my head held high, I wasn't alone and there's a positive ending. Also, that feeling that I was at the match watching something I've loved since I could probably walk. That song was my association with cancer and making it through and like I said earlier it's too close to home saying that I think it's such a strong and powerful campaign by Macmillan and hope it has raised awareness of the lonely side of cancer. It's when I see adverts like this that make me think I've made no progression with getting over cancer and moving on but yesterday World Cancer Day and my posts on Instagram to acknowledge that day reminded me just how much progression I have made. I was first made aware of world cancer day in 2015 just a month after I was diagnosed and yet to start treatment. In June 2014, I lost my Granddad to cancer and was still dealing with accepting he's gone. I posted a picture of my wearing a Cancer Research unity band and a picture of me as a child with my Granddad. The picture represented me as a lone fighter and me still mourning the loss of Granddad. At this point I had no idea what chemotherapy would be like or the amazing opportunities I was to receive. Fast forward to 2016 and I was 4 months out of treatment and in remission and had so much support by charities such as Teens Unite, Teenage Cancer Trust and Clic Sargent. I had made friends with other cancer fighters my age and felt I had to give something back to the charities. The pictures posted on Instagram where of me giving a speech at the Teens Unite ball, with everyone I'd met through this charity and at a Clic Sargent music workshop in Scotland. This post wasn't about me it was about the charities that help support patients so much and do so much for cancer patients giving them unreal opportunities. Honestly, I'm still coming to terms with the fact I could share my story in front of my childhood hero Lewis Moody. Imagine telling 9 year old me watching England win the Rugby World Cup that you'd be sharing your story with one of the legends on the pitch. In a year I'd done things I could never imagine I'd be doing at 20 and 21 years old. 2017 and while my Clic Sargent social worker and Teens Unite are still a massive support for me I've realised I've gone out there and made myself physically and mentally stronger. The picture was taken a few days before world cancer day and I didn't mean for it to be used for my cancer day post. It was of one of me at the gym wearing matching Nike gloves and trainers, I took it to post on Snapchat as one of them gym people that we all know and hate. But I noticed it had my tattoo with the date I was diagnosed in the picture and I loved it because it shows how much I've come on physically, I'm so much physically stronger than I have been on previous world cancer days and my tattoo is always there to remind me that even though I couldn't sit up, being diagnosed with cancer automatically made me stronger than any weights I lift. I feel that while I will never let my cancer define me I will allow it to shape me and shape what I decide to do in the future it's a part of me in a good way. It's not my weakness it's my motivation, it's a sign of my strength and a sign that I survived it and even though progress can be slow that's ok. Cancer for me is a bitch that doesn't care who it hits or who it takes, It can attack you whenever it wants, it doesn't care if you're in your last year of university or first year of school. It doesn't care if you've got young children or you're not old enough for it. So us humans need to face it head on and it's ok to not feel strong enough to do this we deserve support and reassurance that charities will have our backs and face it with us. Whether affected directly or via a friend or family member, we will all be affected by cancer. We might need to have chemotherapy or hold the hand of someone having it. We all need to group together and fight it. My fight with cancer made me the unluckiest person because I was only 20 years old when I was diagnosed, I had to drop everything I worked hard for before it and have struggled to get back to reality since I've lost friends and lost trust with others because of it but I choose to see myself as a lucky one. Mainly because my cancer was curable and the cure was straight forward just 12 rounds of torturous chemotherapy. It was horrific but I survived it. I had amazing support off Teens Unite, Clic Sargent and Teenage Cancer Trust. I've had time to decide what I actually want to do with my life, I've got a new perspective on everything and admire anyone who stood by me and continues to stand by me today. Day to day I can't see the progression and there are days when It's hard it's hard to get up and get motivated and do life but I've made a lot of progression. I'm bloody strong. Cancer will always live with me but for the right reasons, I'm excited to use World Cancer Day for me personally to see my own progression year to year and raise awareness that cancer is a thing. Don't shy away from it fight against it for yourself and for everyone else. We've allowed some questionable people and certain votes to stand, surely we can't let this one win. |