I've always been very contrary, you tell me I can't do something and I'll do it. It gets me in to trouble, it's the wrong decision or occasionally it's the same as sticking two fingers up and proving everyone wrong and actually I can do something.
I'm not sure why but this week my queen's crown has been firmly in place, like I've got a new motivation. It could be because I've stated a bloggers bootcamp which has made me really excited about where I can take my blog. Maybe it's because finally I'm playing with the big girl weights and achieved one of my long term weight goals before I expected to. Either way something has happened this week and it's made me evaluate everything! One of the hardest parts of being in your early 20's is change. Change sucks balls! Or, it might be the best thing for us, either way it happens and we have to adapt to it and that can take a while. Despite our different views on brexit and Donald Trump I think the world has pretty much agreed that 2016 was pretty shit. Not for me personally I ticked off a lot of achievements, but the world is changing massively the UK fucked up and voted us to leave the EU, America fucked up by electing a reality tv star with no political experience as president and essentially world leader. How has he managed that when for young starters we have to have about 20 years relevant experience for a job we don't even really want? everyone has a right to be scared about these changes. I'm scared for America,I'm scared for minorities in America. This week I read that America is seriously debating women's right for abortion. Seriously? America is one of the worlds leading countries, the opportunity for freedom and here it is debating basic human rights? It's easy to play the victim and admit the worlds gone to shit and we're all fucked but why should we? Seriously why are we still allowing people to tell us what to do or how to live? Why aren't we in control of our own lives and making decisions for us? There are only two things that we know are definitely going to happen, number one we're all going to die and number two, we're stuck with being us for the rest of our lives, everyone can come and go but we're going to be the same and we're only here once. We deserve to love ourselves and work hard to do what we want and be the best version of ourselves. But here we are standing up for our basic human rights. Massive things can change us and if anyone genuinely thinks having cancer wouldn't change me then I would highly recommend going to see your doctor and tell them you've got your head stuck up your arse and are suffering from the made side effect of ignorance. Over the past two years it has changed me in some ways for the worse but in some ways the better. I'm 22 and I have days when I worry cancer will come back, I worry about opening letters from the hospital, I allow my exhaustion to take over me some days and allow it to take over my mood. It's ok it's cool to allow shit days some days as long as there's more good days. I didn't realise it at the time but a lot of 'friends' didn't want to know me during this time and that's ok because cancer is fucking scary, the easy option is to stay away I don't hold that against anyone. However, if you genuinely think I don't still suffer from daily side effects and it will have a massive impact on every decision I make and if you genuinely think I'm going to go back to how I used to be then with all my love and support go and fuck yourself. Despite my many bad days I have good days we're I'm genuinely convinced I'm some kind of queen, I appreciate anyone who lets me go at my own pace and allows me to do what's best for my body, I appreciate anyone who doesn't allow me to play the victim and tells me to go further than I ever have, I appreciate those who accept that my mind is stronger than my body and gives me a helping hand despite me insisting I'm fit enough. It's weird getting cancer at 20, it's not supposed to happen, surely I was too young? Says who though? Did the king of Cancer exclusively say "we're only going for old people who are past their expiration date anyway" no he did not mainly cause cancer isn't a human it's a disease and it'll get anyone it'a not aware if it's going for a 90 year old or 9 month old. It goes against what society tells us about cancer. So that made me think why do we ever go with what society tells us to do? Why are we programmed to go with what everyone else is doing. For once can't we do something for ourselves even if that means doing something no ones ever done before? For the first time I'm ignoring what everyone thinks I should be doing and asking myself what I want. It's left me feeling motivated and empowered. I've started doing more weight training and my mind has held me back from going heavier because I'm recovering from cancer surely I can't lift the same as other girls. But my trainer pushed me, she told me I can do it so I tried and I could. I'm lifting heavier than I ever have done and my doctor hates me for it, but I know my body better than anyone else and I love being able to lift heavy. I love following other ladies who are determined to fuck the system and be strong. Recently I bought 'Strong' by Zanna Van Dijk which I highly recommend to anyone who's wanting to get fit. She comes in and destroys any ideas you've had about fat and carbs, teaches you about nutrition, exercises and recipes that are more than a skinny salad. Even better it's currently £5.99 on Amazon. I'll probably do another blog on other empowering ladies I look up to. I get empowered by seeing strength in women physically, some say women shouldn't be muscular some are empowered than seeing Kimmy K drop her nudes, some fucking hate that and think she should cover up and set an example to her daughter. It's interesting this new wave of feminism because it's nothing like feminism in the past. my view of feminism is that's it is personal to everyone whether you're a man or a woman. If you want to be a girl boss, if you want to lift more than that man next to you who keeps hogging the bench or if you want to stay at home, look after your kids cook and bake away, You bloody well go for it! Let us live, let us have our own personal goals and let's support each other while we're smashing them. Nothing makes me sadder than when someone especially a girl says they can't do something because someone especially if it's their boyfriend told them not too. Fuck that! Cut them, cut the toxic shit out your life, live for you! Make time for yourself and do what you need to do to be your best self. With all that happened to me the past couple years I made a decision that being distracted by boys was out the question, relationships are hard work and demand being selfless and compromise. I couldn't be selfless, I needed and still need to put myself first. I need to focus on me and my recovery. It'd be unfair of me to bring someone into my current rollercoaster life and I advise anyone else to have a look at their lives and ask is a partner adding to that in a healthy way are they allowing me to be the best version of me. A relationship needs to be a perk not essential to life. You're actually alright on your own. The same I've noticed lately is with friendships, everyone deserves to have friends who bring them up not tear them down. As I mentioned earlier, this is the time for change and at our age sometimes peoples personality changes from a best friend to a complete stranger and this sucks balls. Work with what's best for you just because you have happy memories with them from high school does not mean you have to accept their shitty behaviour. Get out that toxic shit, it's not healthy and you're the only one suffering. Without my agreement cancer stripped me from everything and I'm building myself up slowly and I'm getting to know me a bit more and it's the best, it can be bloody hard but I'm seeing that it's working. I'm very lucky to have a family that has my back I have loyal friends who are understanding, help me when I need to be helped and bring out the best in me. I'm pushing myself further in the gym and I'm very happy with the work I do and help others. Take some time for yourself think about what you really want from this life, embrace the shot and don't let anyone tell you no if it's going to bring you down. The political world is probably going to bend us over and fuck us up anyway so lets have each others back and stand up to the shit storm. Lets have fun and cut the toxic shite and be an example for all. We've got this.
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I haven't posted in so long! I'm sorry I didn't even mean to have this break I'm just the queen of procrastination and it can be hard trying to think of new and interesting things to right about.
Especially when I'm trying to recover from cancer and move on from it being a daily thing which is difficult considering my blog seems to be centred around it. I often wonder if I should change the style but then I see so many lovely comments from people who are going through exactly what I've been through and they're relieved they're not alone. That's the main joy I get out of doing this is hopefully helping young people fighting cancer feel less lonely and that what they're experiencing is perfectly normal in this weird world we've been thrown into. Then I thought to myself am I over cancer yet? Am I ready to move on? The honest answer is no I'm not, I'm still battling every day the invisible chronic side effects that aren't cancerous so aren't as respected but still feel as shitty and as real as cancer. I'm at a weird cross roads, as of September this year I was 1 year cancer free but I'm still technically unwell still not fit enough for work but itching for the next step while not knowing what that is. 1 year on I'm starting to accept what happened to me now and starting to see it as the blessing in disguise I was promised I would eventually see it for. After coming back from Barcelona and I think I mentioned it before but a lot of people noticed a difference in me, a lot more happier and a lot more positive. I struggled to see this change and still felt like a victim however a couple weeks ago I came back from three weeks of interrailing round Europe and it was in the last week that I myself noticed the change. I completed my travel insurance 7 hours before my flight to Amsterdam, I didn't want to got through it all again. I'm grateful for InsuranceWith for providing me with travel insurance at a normal price and making me feel like my illness will never hold me back from seeing the world however and understandably so they have to know EVERYTHING! I'm sick of telling people what happened last me and going through every detail. I'm an open book if someone genuinely wants to know what I've been through and more of an understanding I actually find it quite therapeutic for me especially knowing that people do care and want to know more but it doesn't half get boring going through my own head what happened, It's there every day. I had three weeks of going to new places with my friends to look forward to I didn't want to be answering questions on what chemo I had. With that finally done I was already for interrailing. I'll admit I was scared. Not of flying, not of not knowing the languages of the places I was going to or any other travel worries. I was scared of my fatigue and immune system. Usually I can't go a day without a nap, some days I wake up feeling like I've been on a 3 day bender when I've actually had a solid sleep. Fatigue can physically hurt, bring out your worst moods and can make you feel 82 instead of 22. Yet here I was planning on going to 9 cities in 8 countries in 21 days. I was scared that my friends wouldn't understand what I have to deal with on a daily basis even I don't understand most of the time. 21 days, I don't think I've gone longer than 21 days without being struck down by some ridiculous infection or cold of some sort which keeps me bed bound and out the game. I was stocked up on multi vitamins and Iron tablets but my body has been battered what good can they do? Well guess what a miracle happened, I went 21 days without being unwell!! Shout out to Home & Baragins multi vitamins! I did however feel every emotion I think a human can ever experience, when I got home and people asked me how it was I can't find one word to describe it, it was a weird rollercoaster where I learned more than just how overrated Rome is. I experienced everything I ever dreamed of. I experienced local food, different cultures, swam in crystal clear lakes. But most importantly I learnt a lot about myself and honestly believe if it wasn't for cancer, the end of the trip would have been a lot different. It went a bit tits up and I was faced with a decision do I go home early with my friends or carry on for a bit longer by myself and explore somewhere new. Looking back it wasn't a hard choice, I booked tickets to a football match before a flight home, I knew what I loved and what I wanted. My thought process was I've been through too much to give up and go home, I haven't been given a second chance to not explore new places. I was on my own in Barcelona I can do it. I've got this. So for 5 days I was on my own free to go at my own pace and not feel bad if I needed a rest. As I said earlier Rome was amazingly overrated, probably somewhere everyone should go see and experience but I couldn't cope with having selfie sticks in my eye for much longer. By this point I had spent over two weeks being a tourist I was used to being asked if I wanted a selfie stick but Rome was on another level of tourist. Maybe it was because before Rome we didn't go to overly busy tourist places but it was like nothing I've ever experienced before. I went to Stadio Olimpico to watch AS Roma V Inter Milan, I love football I don't care who's playing football is the one thing that has remained normal since I was diagnosed, the only thing that has stayed normal. By the time I had explored Vatican City I felt like I'd seen Rome I didn't want to wrestle through tourists anymore, I was free to nap!!! I ventured to Milan were I treated myself like the Queen I am and finally felt proud of myself, proud that I felt independent enough, proud that I felt strong enough and proud that I have enough self love to not take shit, to know my self worth. But the one thing I was most proud of was not once did I think I wanted to go home early there was no hesitation, it wasn't an option for me. I knew what I wanted from interrailing and I achieved it all and learned so much more than I thought I would. I still have really bad days, days when I can't see further than the end of my own bed, days when I don't want to see further than my own bed. But now I feel I have more control, the next day I can acknowledge that the day before was pretty shit. A lot has been pit into perspective, I'm lucky to be surrounded by the friends and family I have, lucky at all the opportunities my writing is giving me and determined to make the most of it and without me knowing so far it's been a pretty good year. I'm still too unwell for work, I'm still battling side effects every day I still hate cancer adverts and can't watch anything with a 'cancer' story line but like in the letter Steven Finn sent to me, there's a light out there that I can't lose that light. Because of cancer I've realised my self worth and a strength I didn't know I have. Dealing with bad days is hard and a daily struggle but I've come a long way in a short amount of time and it's ironic that it takes a shit situation to make you realise this. To see our positive aspects we have to go through negative shit. Enjoy the rollercoaster I don't think anyone has any answers to get over cancer, everyone is different go at your own pace just please don't lose the spark that's keeping you going. You've got this! Find what makes you happy and run away with it and don't look back. Don't let anyone tell you what makes you happy is a bad thing or weird or anything negative, it's your happiness that matters. You've been through too much to take shit, keep exploring and it'll get better once day. "There's nothing to worry about you'd have the same symptoms if you've relapsed you're fine"
"Scanxiety isn't a thing, it's not real" Aaaah ignorance the common side effect of not having to deal with cancer or any other invisible illnesses, before I carry on if you're currently going through a serious illness, recovering or dealt with a serious illness a long time ago and still have the mental scars then your feelings are valid, everything you feel about your illness and how you feel is ok and don't let anyone else tell you how you feel or that you should be over it by now. It's up to you to choose how to feel about your illness and your recovery, the ignorant are wrong. I'm still trying to find a word to call these ignorant ones who haven't dealt with the shit we have, there are some words I could use but it's nice to be nice and I find the ignorant ones are very easily offended. Up until last week I thought I was doing ok with my recovery, I was having more good than bad days, I could see a little light, I was getting better with dealing with the chronic every day side effects, for the first time in a long time I could see a little light. Then I remembered I had to go for my CT scan which I have every three months. A scan used to detect cancer, if the cancer has spread and how cancer is affecting other organs. I think one thing the ignorant people can't understand is there's a massive difference between anxiety and scanxiety. Much like anxiety, you'll get the rush of worry about something with an uncertain outcome but with scanxiety you might know quietly that the results are going to be ok you know you're still in remission, you know the treatment is working. However, the difference is not what is going to happen it's about what did happen, a flashback to the first CT scan confirming I had cancer when I was painfully unwell. Going back to the hospital where I felt like I was being tortured alive with chemo, back as a patient as someone who needs medical care someone who isn't well.. I don't mind the whole scan part I'm ok in small spaces, needles or cannulars don't bother me, the dye they put into you so the pictures are unclear is unpleasant and I don't mind having to fast four hours before. What I care about is the sudden personality change I have on the days leading up to, the day of and a few days after the scan. It will take a while for my brain to not be consumed by the time I had cancer, I've only been in remission for 11 months but during this time I can't think of anything else, It's a weird feeling as soon as I enter the Royal Liverpool University Hospital I can taste the chemo again, I remember the staring I got off older people knowing they're thinking I'm too young to be a patient. The sympathetic looks I get off receptionists, nurses and radiologists when they realise I'm the patient and cancer doesn't care how old a person is. As it gets closer to the time of the scan your mind is fooled into believing that you have actually relapsed, the cancer is back and it's worse than before. I'm trying hard to have things to look forward to and in September I'm going interrailing round Europe. While waiting for my scan i was planning on how I was going to do my great escape if I had relapsed how I was going to explain to the doctor that we'll have to wait till October to start treatment, then I remembered how unwell I was before treatment, there's no way I could have the energy to do interrailing. HOLY SHIT I CANT GO INTERRAILING ANYMORE! "Melissa we're ready for you to have your scan now". That's how it works, you know what the results will be like really but you can quickly spiral out of control just by the smell of a hospital just by remembering everything you've been through. The ignorant people have another habit of seeing cancer fighters as heroes or inspirations, "I don't know how you done that I know I couldn't" well it's a big secret and I might be expelled from the angelic cancer hero group for saying this but if you're put in a life or death situation you choose to live and when you're diagnosed with cancer your life isn't in your hands anymore and before you can sign the treatment forms your doctors already have your treatment planned and waiting. It's when the treatment has finished and the doctors give what's left of your life back to you that the hard work starts, don't call me a hero because I had chemotherapy, call me a hero because I can go to hospital for a routine scan without switching personalities and without building it up too much. Call me a hero when you realise that cancer has scarred more than just my chest and I'm fighting a battle every day, when you realise that despite going the gym most days I'm fighting more than heavy weights I'm fighting a crippling exhaustion that never seems to leave. I'm not strong because I had chemotherapy, I'm strong because I'm recovering from that physically and mentally. I am getting better, stronger and more positive but as I mentioned earlier, I've only been in remission for 11 months, a year ago I was still having chemotherapy. My mum described recovery as a game of snakes and ladders. It's a long road which I don't expect everyone to understand. What I'm asking for is patience and wanting to try and understand and don't tell anyone their feelings aren't valid that they should be "over it by now" and "nothing to worry about" don't compare the survivors to those who lost their battle and call us the "lucky ones" believe me we fight the battle of survivors guilt every day. Please see scanxiety as something serious and be patient with us during the time of our scan and results. Distract us from our thoughts, treat us kindly, let us feel what we need to feel. We're fighting a war and we need support, if you don't want to understand tell us you can't cope but don't be blind don't make us feel lonelier than we already do. To the fighters and survivors and those yet to be diagnosed, your feelings are valid, it's ok and normal to feel like this, it's all part of the secret battle that's not included in the treatment plan. Don't surround yourself with those you know are hurtfully ignorant,Don't let anyone tell you scanxiety isn't a thing if they've never been through what you've been through. Don't let anyone doubt your own feelings, don't waste your energy on those who don't want to understand or those who've already made their mind up about how you should be feeling you don't need it. Scanxiety is a thing and you're going to be ok. "Boring shit eventually builds up to great results"
Words you need to keep telling yourself when you think you're seeing no progress after a week at the gym or eating healthy, when you're stuck in an office job just to save money with a dream to travel to another country or have a completely different career or even when you're throwing up again after another round of chemo thinking if feeling this sick is actually doing our bodies any good. It's hard to stay motivated to achieve our dreams when we can't see progression every day or feel like we ever see progression but it happens. A lot of people have told me they've seen a change in me the past few weeks and I think that has a lot to do with Teens Unite and in particular a motivational speaker who I think started a fire in me without me even realising. Last weekend Teens Unite hosted the Discover You event, a day to be inspired by motivational speakers, my own strengths and ambitions and make my goals a reality. Not a lot of cancer charities understand how important it is for young people to get back to normal life and having something like cancer thrown at you can easily throw you off any ambition you ever had and adopt a losers woe is me mentality, your cancer doctors can tell you you're not allowed to go back to work or education, you're too unwell to go back to the life you used to know even though the cancers gone. For any young person it can be a strange, confusing and mainly an awkward place when you know what you want to do but don't know how or what to do to get there. But you can and all it takes is realising your self worth, a daily attitude journal and a shake of the arse. One thing I always take inspiration from is seeing a fellow cancer survivor not letting their illness get in the way of their ambitions even more so when they use cancer to their advantage turn cancer into a blessing in disguise. That's what cancer is isn't it, are the survivors really the lucky ones? Ever since I first heard that last year I was baffled, how was such a cruel illness which has stripped me of my own life and independence, stole friends and family from me and ruined too many lives a blessing? Now 10 months on I'm slowly starting to believe it, despite my shit immune system, chronic exhaustion and on going side effects that I still get day after day, cancer has made me stronger. I appreciate my true friends and family, I appreciate that everyone is facing their own struggle and it's nice to be nice and to never be ignorant, there's more to life than artificial bullshit in the big picture material things don't matter, everything we post on social media is fake it's also a lot more easier to become annoyed at those who don't share my mentality and are still bloody ignorant. There's a serious attitude problem with society, very rarely we get asked what we want from our lives, what we want to actually do. Surely all of us want more than just make some money and retire and die but that's what most of us are doing working a dead end job we hate to pay rent or a mortgage we'll never fully pay off to end up settling and never moving from the city or town we were born in taking advantage of the power to vote every 5 years for a government we resent and telling our grand kids to have the life we craved but never pursued. It's depressing, there's a world out there and without sounding too yolo we only have once chance and one of us. It's easy to settle into a routine we hate and don't actually want it's even easier to say what we want to do but not actually do it, the desire is there but the motivation isn't or for some people the support isn't there. Another secret despite being told otherwise most people are jealous of other people being successful. Life is a game it's not a hamster wheel it's not a routine it's a game that everyone is playing and we deserve to make the most of it and get exactly what we want from it, cancer fighters have been dealt enough shit if it wasn't for the chemo the survivors wouldn't be here, this is a second chance and we need to get what we want, we haven't been dealt a bad hand we've picked the joker off the other game player and we need to get rid of it and win the game. we need to "invest in our self" it could be the smallest step but it could be massive in the long term. After first meeting Cliff back in April, I wrote down my goals and how I can get there in small steps, how I'm important and need to ignore all the bullshit that may or may not get in the way, how I can kill the ignorance with a smile. I've been keeping daily attitude journals almost every day which has made me appreciate what I already have and what I want. I took some time to myself, switched my phone out and tried to work out what the fuck Melissa wants. It resulted in spending one day a week at my local hospital on a chemo ward spreading smiles and happiness to those who were in my position last year, working even harder to save helpless kids lives at a job I love, fully researching how I become a sports journalist and being inspired by the women who have already achieved it and going away to Barcelona by myself for a week. In Barcelona I got weird looks, countless people asking why I'm on my own or if I'm ok and my favourite "you're to pretty to be on your own" almost as if it's weird for a 22 year old to take a break to herself weird to be considered good looking but on your own. I'm a big fan in treating myself even though my bank account hates it and a trip to Barcelona was the best treat I could ever give myself. It was a test a small step to one of my big goals of travelling the world. It's true what they say you see more on your own, I discovered one of the most beautiful cities, ignored everything that is going against me, every side effect that attacks me on a daily basis because this was a goal and a dream that I was emotionally attached to and eating paella and drinking sangria on La Rambla every night was a living dream. 16th June is a huge date for me, 16 June 2014 I lost my hero, my Grandad to cancer, a year later I was fighting cancer accepting that I was destined to be the most unluckiest person, I could never imagine a year later I would spend the day travelling through France and Andorra and standing on top of the Pyrenees Mountains even now it's hard to believe it actually happened but I was determined to make that date and every date after it special and achieve my dreams. That week I invested in myself, the dream continued while sat on the beach in Barcelona watching the sunset I booked to make even more special memories with special friends and ignore what the media is telling me to do go interrailing round Europe this September for a month. I can barely go a day without a nap, how am I supposed to survive interrailing for a month, when I'm living a dream the tiredness is irrelevant every negative side effect is irrelevant plus I'm sure my friends will understand if I need an extra sit down. If it wasn't for Chris' message of investing in myself, Cliff telling me to get emotional right down my goals and genuinely believing every dream I have and reminding me everything is a game or Teens Unite for always believing in me as a person with dream not a patient with cancer then I wouldn't be doing things that people consider me mad for doing, I'm living for myself. It's not easy investing in yourself, it's easier to lose yourself trying to impress others rather than standing out knowing you're the most important, it might take a daily attitude journal or a millionaire morning and jumping on the spot when you wake up but you can do it, you can change and you won't even realise it, you can only get stronger and trust me whatever you're going through it gets better. When I was told about my treatment plan to cure me of cancer I remember everything being a massive blur, why are medical terms so complicated? Although to be fair I was so unwell I can't remember much before starting treatment however one thing I'll never forget being told was I would be losing my hair, I was 20 years old and I was faced with losing my hair, a lot of people said "it'll grow back" "it's a small price to pay to save your life" these people have never had cancer. These people have never watched their identity fall out strand by strand every day, these people have never watched their hair literally fall out clump by clump in the shower. These people don't have a fucking clue, losing your hair is traumatic and devastating it's a physical representation of cancer and being unwell.
I was very lucky that I was able to get a free real hair wig courtesy of Teenage Cancer Trust but couldn't look forward to it. I was lucky that being in Liverpool meant I never had to worry about eyebrows and eyelashes it's pretty much part of a scouse girls DNA but my hair was everything, I'd spend too much money on hair products that done the same thing I just wanted different brands, I hadn't been my natural hair colour for over 5 years, I was obsessed with looking at mermaid hair on Bleach London's Instagram and before I finished uni it was my goal to get it dyed at Bleach London's salon. As I went back to London for the first time since being diagnosed to properly leave Station Road and Hendon it was my closest friend at uni who got me excited about the thought of a wig, this is my chance to experiment, be a colour I've never been before. I was treated like a queen when I had my wig consultation at an Andrew Collinge salon in April last year and the hairdresser tried to be sensitive and was showing me all the darker shades, he tried on a blonde wig to fit my weirdly small head, this wig was blonde and from that moment there was no going back, I wanted to be a blonde and so a blonde wig was ordered and I was obsessed with it. Having a wig was a new physical representation of me, I always struggled telling friends I had cancer and some of my closest friends didn't find out till after I'd finished treatment. So many friends saw the new blonde hair and the weight loss and some even said "you look so good and healthy" oh actually I have cancer... The wig genuinely was so good and actually looked like it could be my hair and I always got a kick out of telling strangers after they complimented my hair that I get it done in Andrew Collinge. It was more than just a new hair colour though, it was my cover up, the moment that wig went on, eyebrows drawn on and coatings of mascara I didn't look sick any more I didn't look like a cancer patient. I have so much respect for cancer patients who choose not to wear a wig, you're my inspiration and look so beautiful, I've met lots of girls who are my age who chose not to wear one and they look amazing, the bald look is beautiful! I would spend hours looking for make up tutorials for young girls with cancer and come across Baldly Beautiful on YouTube who is amazing. Like everything with cancer there's no right or wrong decision when it comes to choosing what's best for you and for me it was living in my wig, blondie didn't have cancer she had really nice hair courtesy of Andrew Collinge. As soon as the treatment was over as with every other ignorant comment, attention was soon towards my natural hair, I didn't mind people asking about it I just hated the thought of having short hair I was fake smiling when people were showing me pictures of Emma Watson and other beautiful women with short pixie cuts, I love them but not for me I just wanted my natural long hair back! "Your hairs getting so thick lose the wig it's coming back now" I wasn't just using my wig as a security blanket I was genuinely loving being blonde, it never got greasy, very rarely needed cutting and I never needed my roots doing. As my hair got thicker and longer it did start to get annoying as soon as I was out of public or with people I was comfortable with then the wig would come off I didn't care what I looked like I needed to be comfortable. I was spending too long worrying about tucking my natural hair in my wig. It was shortly after being away with Teens Unite and seeing another teen who was my age and no longer wearing a wig saying how nice it is to feel free that I decided, it was time for blondie to die. So I built it up in my head, this was my time to have short hair, rock a pixie cut and embrace it. Halsey an artist I've been listening too for a while had recently got a buzz cut, I love her style and her ability to go against everything the media tells her to look like, because if we strip it all back that's primarily what I was struggling with, I wouldn't look feminine any more or what a 22 year old girl should look like, long hair connotes being feminine and I no longer looked like that. But that feeling of being free and not having to tug at my hair was so good, I have enough anxiety as it is and if I went for the short hair I would no longer be anxious about my natural hair poking out or if it was too windy outside, if my niece wanted to pull her hair I'd no longer have to worry about ruining her childhood as she ragged my wig off. My younger cousins were too young to understand what cancer was and they loved playing with my hair, I wouldn't have to worry about them pulling it off and ruining their childhoods either. So off I went back to Andrew Collinge for a pixie cut, I am lucky that short hair for women does seem to be a bit of a thing at the moment and the hairdresser done an amazing job but I hate it I fucking hate it, I'm not a fan of short hair but it shows progress, it's a massive step for me mentally to move on from wearing a wig. So many people have complimented me but I can't get my head round it, the people I met whilst blonde were praising me for going for such a dramatic change, now was my time to tell them about the shit storm of last year, one day I'll be able to not have to explain the cancer! One thing that is helping is make up, I'm obsessed with darker lip colours to look a bit more feminine and am actually having fun with trying different looks to compliment my short hair, Deep Smoked Purple by Mac is the one! Day by day I'm getting better and more used to it and ,my blonde wig is still there if i want to wear it, I'm looking forward to throwing people off by turning up in my blonde wig when they get used to the short dark hair, my hair is my choice and it's getting thicker and stronger every day, it'll take a while to get used to it but I should embrace it I'm still funny with people saying it's a small price to pay but loosing my hair was more traumatic than throwing my guts up after chemo every other Monday, it sounds dramatic but it was, I was off my face on anti sickness pills for the majority of the time on treatment but waking up to a pillow full of hair and watching it get thinner and thinner everyday was torture, now it's thick and I look like Leo Sayer, but like the blonde, this short curly pixie cut is the start of a new era, post cancer, moving on and getting stronger. The titles a little misleading isn't it? Stay with me though because soon you'll learn just hoe important it is to stroke someone, preferably at least once a day.
Last week it was the reunion activity stay with my favourite charity Teens Unite, it's hard to believe that it's been 8 months since I first met all these beautiful humans and fist got involved with this charity, this also means that it's been 8 months since my last chemo and time is moving way to fast. It was nice knowing I'd be meeting up with familiar faces who've been through the same bullshit and knowing what to expect and to have a break away from all the shit and be able to be inspired and surrounded by good company again. One activity that really stood out for me was the Shine workshop led by Cliff Findlay. I'm a bit funny with motivational speakers mainly cause you can see through the shit they're spouting and obviously don't practice what they preach also I'm usually inspired for about 2 seconds, Also one of the most annoying things about motivational speakers is their refusal to accept failure and despite trying our hardest sometimes things just don't go our way and we can't control every aspect of our lives. I get easily distracted and bored with listening to someone ramble on about becoming the second coming of Jesus but Cliff was different, Cliff was more of a realistic speaker who recognised that while we should aspire to be who we want to be we're humans and humans can and will fuck up. I admire someone who says "hiii I've fucked up I still have my flaws but this is what I want to do and I'm going to get there just give me 5 years" as opposed to "I'm the best flawless human in the world and everything in my life is organic and pure". So I was faced with a 20 page booklet asking me about my goals, on the first page I was asked what age I think I'm going to die, this has always been a touchy subject despite being faced with a life threatening illness, I don't see the point predicting when I'm going to die, the thought of me dying or being dead is irrelevant to me I don't see it as a motivator for me to achieve my goals either. You could either be sat in a rocking chair comfortable knowing you've achieved all you've wanted to or you could be hit by a bus tomorrow at the ripe old age of 22 life death doesn't care about your age, so I skipped that activity and moved on to the 3 things I like about myself, why is this the hardest question we can ever be asked? Why is it easy to say three things we hate about ourselves but not what we think we're good at? Because our brain is programmed to be a little bitch and our beliefs become our thoughts which become our words which become our actions. One of the best things Cliff taught me was everything that I can't control is bullshit and irrelevant opinions, for example one of my goals is to see Liverpool win the Premier League, that's bullshit and not because Liverpool are currently mid table but because I have no control over it, is it really a life goal, it'd be nice to experience and to tell people I was there but it's irrelevant and I wouldn't gain much from it. Another more important thing we can't control is how other people perceive us. We've all got a goal in our heads that someone doesn't approve of and we will be affected by this whether that person is important to us or an old high school friend we're affected by other peoples judgements of us and it's bullshit, so you don't want to upset your parents because you realise university is no longer for you, doesn't matter it's not their life or their decision, you want to travel the world but your Nan is worried about money and your safety, ask her for a tenner and say you'll call her and tell her what the weather is like. You want to become a sports journalist but that sexist arse hole thinks you've got too much vagina, who gives a shit? He probably still gets his mum to do his tea for him every night. With the release of the Panama papers this week and Donald Trump being a genuine contender to be the next US President, society is confirmed to be fucked so we might as well have some fun and do this weird thing were we're nice to strangers and actually try and achieve what we dream of , we're all going to die anyway. A lot of people tell us to achieve our goals but do we even know what our goals are? Goals aren't just what we want as a job when we grow up or where we want to live, they're especially not what we see on social media and comment 'goals' on. That's all a bit too broad and a bit too overwhelming, I like to think of goals as something to aim for in every aspect of our life and as the Shine booklet points out there are a lot of aspects; social, physical, spiritual, financial, mental, work, family and personal. Fill all them in and we have a lot to aim for. The next page told me to fill in an aim for every aspect of my life again this time with an emotional connection, what would make me die happy? All of a sudden I'm no longer thinking about Liverpool winning the premier league sitting in the Kop with my dad, I'm imagining meeting my deadlines reporting on Liverpool winning the premier league, sitting at Anfield on the phone typing away, because even though I can't control what Liverpool do I'm still allowed to dream about it. I'm ignoring all the sexist and misogynist comments I've had the pleasure of hearing at the football and ignoring the fact that when I had the pleasure of working behind a bar in the media room at Wembley stadium at an England game, I was the only female there surrounded by male sports journalists. Back to the Shine workbook and now I had to narrow it down to three goals, one short term, one medium and one long and I had 5 years to achieve this, sounds a bit heavy but break your long term goal down and take it step by step and all of a sudden it's not to scary and actually quite realistic. Now bring in that you don't give a shit about other peoples opinions and what society expects of you and you're the most important person, that goal will actually be a reality. There have been plenty of times when I've said when I grow up I want to be a writer especially in sports and I've been told its not a real job, not very realistic or what normal people do, it's not very secure or guaranteed to pay well. I've even been told I'm dyslexic so I can't do that I'm not financially motivated and does that mean that all the writers out there are aliens? Yes sometimes my dyslexia gets in the way but it only means I take longer writing something and reading over it. I also want to travel the world, 'but that's expensive' 'you won't last long on your own' 'it's not realistic'. Yes I'm a liability I'm on my 3rd phone in a year after dropping two down the toilet and actually flushing one but no one told me that means I have to stay locked up in the one city for the rest of my life and also there's this thing called saving your money, you don't spend it all and put it in a savers account and overtime you make enough money to travel somewhere, it's a magical concept I know. Now comes the stroking part, aka the moment I completely lost it, if you stroke something it gets stretchy and grows (it took a good 3 minutes to stop laughing and carry on writing because of this and its 2 o clock in the morning) to be fair Cliff had a point we do grow when someone strokes us... but a stroke doesn't have to be physical, it can be something as simple as being nice and saying thank you or a little smile,a compliment can go along way, despite being on social media almost every moment of the day and thinking we know too much about that person we met pissed in a sticky club toilet, we know nothing about what;s going on in peoples lives we don't know what people are thinking what they're going through and a smile just might be the best thing they experience that day. Although a stroke a day is being a bit of a challenge for me, the same day I decided I would be nice to strangers I crossed a road to avoid talking to one of those charity people about homeless people, they are a bit full on and before I know it I'll probably be asking the bank for a loan to save all the homeless people, I'm sorry street charity stalkers you're fucking annoying and I'm to gullible for you. However I will try and be not so resting bitch face and stroke other people with a smile. So thank you Cliff and Teens Unite, I'm now ready to cut toxic people out my life, accept people can be knobs and not give a fuck about peoples opinions especially about me, I have my goals that I will work every day to achieve and not let things I can;t control have too much of an impact. Ever since I was a little girl I wanted to be a sports journalist, a bullshit battle with cancer might have postponed me but I won't let it stop me. You go out there and have some fun with this fucked up society, don't be caught on the hamster wheel that is life, you be you and do whatever the fuck you want to do, I'll be rooting for you anyway. Have you ever had that weird and mind blowing experience were you look round and realise that every passing stranger has a story, they have a life, they've experienced happiness and devastation and you haven't got a clue what they've experienced. You give them a friendly smile as you walk past, unless you're from London then it's a kind scowl, they smile back politely but you haven't got a clue what's going on behind that smile, what's going on in their life what they've been through or what's to come. It sounds weird and like I should be locked in a mental home but it's a common thought which we've all had.
Have you ever spoke to a stranger and opened up about your stories and find out more about this stranger? That's more unlikely but in the past few weeks I've been on a couple of placements were I've had to find out more about strangers, more about their stories, their personalities and what makes them them. You'd be surprised at how much you can get by simply asking someone who wants company "are you ok?". Cancer survivors and anyone who had been through a long term or chronic illness are constantly told to never let your diagnosis define who you are, but all of a sudden battling a long term illness becomes all you know, when you're stripped of everything it's all you can talk about, you forget about life before hand and it's hard to move on from it but the professionals are right on this one, illnesses don't define you, they can turn your world upside down, throw you on a completely different path but in the long term it's a chapter in your story and a lot of people have a similar chapter in their stories. In the past few weeks I've had the pleasure of learning so much about humans who are either in poor health, or starting their journey into the big, scary adult world I've also learned a lot about young, innocent children who've had a poor, unfair start to their lives and had the pleasure of guiding them on the way to fulfil their potential. We live in a world which revolves around social media, to an extent we know to much about too many people we don't care about, human interaction isn't about what that person you vaguely know from high school is having for tea it's about learning each other stories finding out what makes them the person they are. I genuinely believe we aren't born with the personalities we have during adulthood, we aren't born with kindness, arrogance, selfishness or consideration. We learn these qualities, we learn them from going through the hardest experiences life can throw at us or if we've had it easy and sail through life. We can teach a child to share and think of others but it's experiences and the chapters in our books that make us who we are on the inside and outside. I'm especially bad at making snap judgements I judge people on what they're wearing, their hair, make-up everything. But imagine if there's a reason someone wore that piece of clothing you're secretly laughing at in your head or even a health reason that person had to wear those ugly shoes you're judging cause they don't match their outfit. Nine times out of ten there's no underlying reason,maybe to that person things mean more to them than how they look or they just want to be comfy. We're all too judgemental and continuously being told to be true to ourselves but crave approval on social media from people who mean nothing and don't care about. Our stories don't make us any better or any worse than that stranger you've just smiled at and we should stop with this competitive well I've been through this shit so I deserve this, that or the other. We've all been through shit and we might be a better or worse person because of this. Getting to know each other and listening to each others experiences can be an amazing thing, it can humble you, make you realise you have a lot in common, or realise this person's a bit of a tit please leave. If someone asks you briefly how you are we all hide our true feelings and usually reply with "not bad thanks you?" it's polite we don't want to reveal our true thoughts and feelings in a brief conversation I'm also first to admit that if I ask someone how they are it can be out of habit and nine times out of ten not up for listening to a moan about life, just a brief answer will do thanks because we're in a rush or caught up in our own bullshit however in saying this there's something special about learning a persons story, or maybe I'm just really nosy. A quick look at the news can make you lose faith in humanity, well mainly politicians, but if we stop being so self absorbed and impressing everyone with our made up social media life and just talk to each other you'll soon realise that yes while animals are still better than humans,we're not that bad. One thing I like about the turn of a new year is the fresh feeling, like a new start, even if you have the life you've always wanted it always feels fresh and new. I hate "new year new me" and believe you should always set goals for yourself and always aim to be the best you can be throughout the year but a new year can be a new start, it's an unwritten rule that if you fucked up somewhere last year everyone forgets about it, that was last year everyone's over it just move on.
So more than anyone else I was ready for the fresh, new feeling and ready to move on from being a cancer patient, ready to move on from everything negative, swerve the self pity and move forwards and use my time being productive. The only problem was January meant one thing, the anniversary of my week in hospital, operations and biopsy's and the day I was diagnosed with cancer. Not a day goes by when I don't think about the day I was diagnosed, mainly because I was so out of it and so unwell I try to piece everything together, it was nothing like you see on the adverts, I was barely awake and wasn't even listening to the specialist who diagnosed me. It was a bit of a shambles, the nurse couldn't look at me and the so called expert stumbled his words out, not that he was being unprofessional imagine if you had to spend your Sunday morning telling a 20 year old and her parents she had cancer. Whenever you go through a traumatic event or lose someone they say the first year is always the hardest, too many firsts and it's true, how are you supposed to feel on the first anniversary of being diagnosed with cancer? During treatment, my uncle gave me a book to help me get through it all; Lance Armstrong's It's Not About The Bike. Forget about everything you know about Lance Armstrong and the doping scandal, this book is about a young man with a bright future ahead of him who though he had it all planned for it all to stop because of his cancer diagnosis and the torture he had to go through to be cured. This book is about a parents struggle to see their child go through cancer and knowing there's nothing they can do to help, just being there is enough. Sounds familiar doesn't it? I read it during treatment every day and I've read it again since because he speaks a lot about surviving cancer, something which deserves to be spoken about more, surviving cancer isn't being given the all clear, surviving cancer is getting back in to normal life without completely losing your soul during recovery. I found the book relatable and inspiring, I was inspired by his decision to celebrate the anniversary of his diagnosis carpe diem day as he calls it. "Kik calls my anniversary Carpe Diem Day. to remind us to always seize the moment. Every year we spend that day reminding ourselves to celebrate our existence. We remind ourselves that it's a myth to say that I beat cancer. The drugs beat cancer. The doctors beat cancer. I just survived it." If you're lucky enough to havr beaten cancer then you've been given a second chance, a second chance to live. There's nothing more torturous than survivors guilt especially with the recent deaths of legends Lemmy, David Bowie and Alan Rickman to cancer. These were all legends, inspiration to millions actually made something of their lives and are icons. Why should cancer kill them? Why did I get the so called good one? (this is the perfect time to remind everyone there's no good cancer stop saying there's good cancers). But for whatever reason if you've been given the all clear from cancer you've beaten the killer disease, there's a shit load of long term and short term effects that will be with us for the rest of our lives but we're alive, we still have to got to hospital at least once a week for pointless meetings with consultants and we still have days were we physically can't get out of bed but we're still breathing, we're survivors and that should be celebrated. Carpe Diem is a posh Yolo but we should seize the day, and remind ourselves we're alive. I used my fist Carpe Diem day by getting a tattoo, I've wanted a tattoo for as long as I could remember and it's important to me for my first tattoo to be something to be meaningful to me. So I got the date I was diagnosed with cancer with Carpe above it on one arm and the date I was given the all clear and Diem above that above the other. "Why do you want to be constantly reminded of the date you were diagnosed?" "you'll have that for the rest of your life" "that's a bit grim" "what if people ask what it means then you have to tell everyone". Believe me I've heard it all but nothing could me off, no matter what that date will torture me forever, one day I might feel comforted by it and remember that I'm alive or be reminded of the torture I've been through. Either way it's tattooed on my brain so why not tattoo it on my skin. My battle with cancer is a big part of me now and that can be a negative and positive thing, I'm now certain of what I want to do with my career and am taking the small steps towards that and I'm getting stronger every day, I need to be reminded I'm still alive and there's a good reason for this. It was just the other day I couldn't be bothered with the gym I was bored and tired and was ready to give in to self pity 'there's nothing I can do about exhaustion so why am I making myself more tired when I could be napping' I told myself but there was my tattoo with the date I was diagnosed and taken back to the day I couldn't listen to the consultant because I was so tired, I couldn't sit up attached to life saving blood. I was so weak but now one year later I was in the gym getting stronger moving up in weights, running faster and doing the best I could do. Every day I continue to struggle with the side effects of cancer and chemotherapy but and I might not see it but every day I'm getting stronger, I'm on the track to being just a normal human, this time last year I was probably in hospital attached to blood and given priority over everyone to be on a bed because I couldn't sit up, now I'm getting stronger and a survivor. No matter what stage you're at with your cancer journey I highly recommend reading Lance Armstrong: It's not about the bike, it's dead cheap as well probably because everyone thinks he's a fraud and not a survivor of cancer, I loved it and I'm dyslexic and hate reading. It's New Years Eve, I'm sat here with my best friend, my rock, one of few friends who's been there for me this year, this year has been the hardest and worst year of my life.
2015 was the year I was supposed to graduate from university, but in January I was diagnosed with cancer, stripped from everything, university, work, my independence, literally everything. Cancer mentally and physically destroyed me and changed me forever, I wouldn't wish the brutal side effects on anyone . I call 2015 the worst year of my life but it was also the year that provided me with so many opportunities that I could never imagine, 2015 was the year I became an Auntie to a beautiful little girl called Amelia. I will never forget this year and not only because of the cancer, I was given so many opportunities by some very special charities Teens Unite and Clic Sargent. I've realised that there are some people who will do literally anything for me including catching my vomit (thanks Dad) and some people who completely left me to fight alone, I get it cancer is scary but no one is more scared than me and no one is more lonely than me. I've learned a lot this year, more than any university can teach me and more than different types of blood cancer, I've learned who's important to me, what's important and that no matter how alone you feel, you're never alone there will almost definitely be someone going through the same as you, having the same feelings. The biggest thing I've learned is you can't plan anything, nothing is certain, as grim as it sounds the only thing that's certain is death. But we're still here, still fighting and that's the important part, this year there's been so many people my age or even younger who didn't beat cancer, while you're still here make the most of it, the days we spend in hospital they're just one day, do something nice the next day, make the most of the good days and opportunities charities Last weekend I had the honour of attending Teens Unite's An Opulent Tale where I was also asked to do a speech about my cancer story and what Teens Unite means to me. Before this I struggled to talk about my cancer It's still hard for me to accept I've even had cancer, in the space of less than 9 months I was diagnosed, treated and cured of cancer, 9 months sounds like a long time and while having treatment it felt like the longest 9 months of my life but it's nothing really when trying to accept a cancer diagnosis. I didn't want to talk about it, it was constantly on my mind anyway so when friends and family visited I wanted to be distracted rather than reminded. But doing a speech is different, it's an opportunity, an opportunity for people to understand how hard it is living with cancer, an opportunity to understand that living with cancer isn't just about hospitals, hair loss and throwing up. An opportunity for the other teens to relate to what I was going through and a reminder that they aren't alone. An opportunity to push myself further and do things I wouldn't usually do, despite what my family and close friends would say I'm actually quite a shy person, more of a listener than speaker so really the though of me doing a speech in a room of over about 500 people about my battle cancer probably should be my worst nightmare. Despite being ridiculously nervous not once did I think twice about doing the speech or consider dropping out, I wanted to prove to myself that I'm no longer the shy one who'd just float about in the background, this was my time to share my story and raise awareness and money for a charity that means so much to me. Doing the speech was a blur, a crazy, surreal blur, I honestly can't remember what I said or if I said everything I was supposed to. Before hand I put a stupid amount of pressure on myself to learn as much as my speech as I could, being dyslexic I hated the thought of reading out loud off cue cards publicly and can barely read never mind read out loud, I don't know why I tried to learn my speech because there was nothing to learn. This was my story, I'll never forget the day I was diagnosed or all the treatment I had or the day I was told I was in remission, no one could tell me I told my story wrong, it was for me to tell. I wasn't the only one telling my story and was genuinely moved by Harry's, Georgia's and David's story especially David's, going through cancer is such a personal and lonely experience sometime you forget the effect it can have on your parents and how it is for them seeing their baby go through such a cruel illness at such a young age, David's son Elliot had recently completed the Children In Need Rickshaw Challenge covering 470 miles in 8 days and hearing David's story was so moving and the hug between them at the end of his speech had me and most of the room in bits. One of the few things that kept me sane during my treatment was my love for sport and it was an honour to have the opportunity to talk to Lewis Moody about my cancer as well as rugby, another weird and surreal blur but I'll never forget the conversation we had, when I was so unwell after chemo watching rugby and unable to function properly I couldn't imagine having the opportunity to talk to a World Cup winner. The night was an amazing night and huge success for the charity raising £86, 342.00 and a night I'll never forget, to be surrounded by my cancer family and knowing I can do things I wouldn't usually do was an amazing feeling. So thank you for an unforgettable experience, believing in me and giving me the opportunity to do so much more than just tell my story. |