I wanted to write about mental health this week as it's mental health awareness week and I especially wanted to write about Girl Gains' co founder Victoria's #SelfLoveIn6. So here I am writing about self love and mental health.
When I first joined the gym two weeks after finishing chemo, it was my way of taking control of my body, giving it what it needed and looking after it. Feeding it and working it the way it was supposed to. When I first joined the gym two weeks after finishing chemo, I didn't realise the mental effect of going through cancer at such a young age. When I first joined the gym two weeks after finishing chemo, I didn't realise that the gym would become my life, an essential part of my day and probably a massive part of my future career. When I first joined the gym two weeks after finishing chemo, I didn't realise that I would switch from looking a certain away to working to get them happy endorphin's released. There are sometimes days when it's shit, it's all shit and it's ok for me to have these days. Fuck me I was 20 when I had to drop my whole life because I was diagnosed with cancer. I was allowed a bit of self sympathy. As I mentioned, when I joined the gym I wasn't aware of the mental side effects of the aftermath of cancer. How do you beat cancer but still feel sad? How do you struggle to do life when life has given you a second chance? But despite joining before I knew about these feelings and still having these feelings I strongly believe the gym is my happy place. The girl who dropped out after one lap of the bleep test in high school fell in love with fitness and getting strong. That feeling when I leave the gym knowing how hard I've pushed my body and end up feeling so happy is unique. I'm going to say it but that feeling when endorphins are released is the best feeling the human body can experience. I feel like I'm capable of doing anything, walking home from the gym is the time when I make them adulty phone calls that i'd worry myself over. That reminds me I'm going to think about that when I'm half way through spinning and genuinely think my legs are about to fall off that the feeling after it is worth it and not for aesthetic reasons. However, and it's usually when I'm looking in a mirror or getting ready for a night out with my friends do I go on self critical mode, Girls seriously we get enough shit as it is, why do we do a good job in bringing up all other girls but beating ourselves up? Why is self love seen as arrogant? There are times when I look at my beautiful friends and automatically think that style of dress will never suit me instead of thinking they look cute, I can't cut my tits off to look good in that but I know what suits me. My body is strong I know that, I know I go the gym to be strong and not skinny but there's always something that makes me think yeah I can deadlift but I wish I was as thin as my friends. Yet my friends might be looking at themselves thinking where are my boobs? Instead of embracing our natural bodies we wish we were someone else. We hate anyone else body shaming but we body shame ourselves. The mental torture we can put ourselves through can be toxic, that's why I'm working on getting my brain as strong as my legs. This is where Victoria comes in. I've always loved watching her Instagram stories, in a world of wellness and unqualified people giving potentially dangerous advice, the world of fitness on social media can be a mine field. So it's refreshing to watch someone who is real, Victoria is smiley and talks about enjoying life finding that balance of nourishing her body and nourishing her soul. She's not scared of enjoying herself. She encourages everyone to find their own kind of perfect, that being perfect starts from the inside. If you're healthy and happy you don't need anything else. Also, it's nice and refreshing to hear a northern accent. #SelfLoveIn6 was something I was immediately interested in. I loved how it was a pace yourself take your time kind of thing. she wasn't shitting out information on how you can go from zero to hero within an hour. It's real and it takes time and understanding. It also feels like team work, it's my own personal journey but team work makes the dream work and to quote the Wildcats we're all in this together. Task one was about setting goals, a task I've done before and always find strange writing down my dreams, it was easy I'm slowly working out what I want and when I write down another I can't stop and it escalates. I dream big. Task 2 was when the tears set in. How do I overcome my doubts? How do I overcome the fear of cancer coming back meaning I have to drop my life again and hand it over to doctors who know my body more than me? How do I get over the thought of overcoming this cancer then a doctor going "well done but that was a trial run, do it again for real". If I could get rid of this fear would I be able to run? Maybe not cause chemo decided to make me chronically tired and I've worked bloody hard to love and respect my inside body and listen to it's every need. Why haven't I pursued my goals yet? Because I'm taking the time to pick up my life again and doing what I really want to do, this takes time and understanding and that's ok. The tears set in because it was a reminder that I'm starting again. My 23 year old life feels like three different lives. Before, during and after cancer. It's emotional to say fuck it maybe I'll only have one go at cancer and I'm worrying over nothing. If someone could say to me "listen love you'll never get cancer again carry on" that'd be great thanks but 20 year old me knows cancer isn't a person and cancer doesn't care. Task 3: Are my own self beliefs holding me back? Yes Vic yes they are love. My belief is that cancer can strike anyone. This is, now what's the word for the opposite of ignorant because that's what this is. It's dangerous because I look at people running with their lives and thinking what would happen if cancer hit them. "I'm too tired" I hate being tired because what tired am I? Mentally or physically? Both can stop me doing things. Task 3 was the moment everyone realised they're programmed to self criticise. It's good to address your self beliefs. Task 4 hurt, task 4 was scary. I didn't know how to approach it. I'm strong with words, with using words to clear my head. What I'm not strong with is looking in the mirror and addressing it. I mean I can see abs and strong lefts and if I feel my arms I feel muscle. But I'm bloody self critical. I don't avoid mirrors, there are days when I'm like ay get on them abs .Days when I'm like why do I look like ten tone Tessa? My favourite part of my body is my scar on my chest just above my boob. It's my cancer badge. A lot of people say too me aren't you bothered about where it is? Every doctor says "wow that's big, that's big considering it was just a chest biopsy" What now scars have to be a certain size? If the operation man wants to cut a bit more to remove cancer then bloody go for it. Not once did I try to hide my scar. I will never dress to accommodate my scar, I don't care about my scar being above my boob because there was cancer just above my boob. Task 4 will take a long time, cancer gave me stretch marks to love, I have burn marks from chemo which often gets confused for fake tan that hasn't been rubbed in, yes I get a kick out of people rubbing my shoulder advising me about tan mits and watching their faces drop as I tell them about chemo burning skin and leaving a permanent mark that doesn't like a scar. But I'll get there. I mentioned earlier the term inner body, this is because for whatever reason I address my body as the insides being my inner body and the outsides as my outer body. Which is technically correct but the only difference is, I love my inner body it was destroyed by cancer but here it is still beating, still going against every expectation and being stronger than it's meant to. It's my outer body that doesn't get the same level of love and respect and gradually this will change. I'm excited to see what the other tasks are and see where I end up with this challenge, I'm excited to persevere and address things that I might be scared to address. Thank you Vic for bringing this challenge. Thank you for bringing up your past and being an inspiration for thousands of others. Thank you for being real and thank you for being you. Much like Vic I to want to help people move from a dark cloud and make them the best version of themselves and will definitely be using the #selflovein6. I love getting comments and emails telling me I've helped them through my words. That's what I want from life because that's what being my version of successful is. Let's talk not only this week, but talk every day about our mental health, whether that's to a friend or a stranger there's a helpline for everyone. Who do you want to talk to? Not everyone finds they want to talk to a family member or friend that's what Childline and Samaritans are for. I fond it helps talking to my close friends and writing helps massively. In my role as a childline counsellor I always encourage young people to empty their mind by writing down everything that's in there. It might not make sense to read back but what's going on in their head might not make sense, but it's made clearer because their mind is clear. So do whatever you need to do to clear your mind, a problem shared is a problem halved. Find out whatever it is that releases those endorphins. It will all work out in the end.
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